Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #3

Okay, I'm starting to get sick.

Dick Berggren in Las Vegas,

Victory Lane, for Fox Television.

Ricky Bobby, today's big winner.

Heck of a win for you today...

...but it seems as if you either win

or crash the car trying to win.

Well, Dick, here's the deal.

I'm the best there is, plain and simple.

I mean, I wake up in the morning

and I piss excellence.

And nobody can hang with my stuff.

You know, I'm just a big, hairy,

American winning machine.

lf you ain't first, you're last.

You know what I'm talking about?

That phrase is trademarked...

...not to be used without permission

of Ricky Bobby lnc.

Supper's ready! Come on, y'all!

I've been slaving over this for hours!

Dear Lord baby Jesus...

...or as our brothers

to the south call you, Jesus...

...we thank you so much for this

bountifuI harvest of Domino's, KFC...

...and the always delicious Taco Bell.

I just want to take time to say

thank you for my family...

...my two beautiful, beautiful,

handsome, striking sons...

...Walker and Texas Ranger...

...or T.R., as we call him...

...and of course,

my red-hot smoking wife, Carley...

...who is a stone-cold fox.

Who if you were to rate her ass

on 1 00, it would easily be a 94.

Also wanna thank you for

my best friend, CaI Naughton Jr...

...who's got my back

no matter what.

Shake and Bake.

Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also

thank you for my wife's father, Chip.

We hope that you can use

your baby Jesus powers...

...to heaI him and his horrible leg.

And it smells terrible and

the dogs are always bothering with it.

Dear tiny infant Jesus, we--

Hey, you know, sweetie...

...Jesus did grow up.

You don't always have to

call him ''baby.''

It's odd and off-putting

to pray to a baby.

Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best

and I'm saying grace.

When you say grace, say it to

grownup Jesus, teenage Jesus...

...bearded Jesus,

whoever you want.

You know what I want?

I want you to do this grace good,

so that God will let us win tomorrow.

Dear tiny Jesus...

...in your golden-fleece diapers,

with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists...

-...pawing at the air....

-He was a man. He had a beard.

Look, I like the baby version the best,

do you hear me?

I win the races and I get the money.

Ricky, finish the damn grace.

I like to picture Jesus

in a tuxedo T-shirt...

...because it says, like,

''I wanna be formal...

-Right.

-...but I'm here to party too.''

Because I like to party,

so I like my Jesus to party.

I like to picture Jesus as a ninja

fighting off eviI samurai.

I like to think of Jesus,

like, with giant eagle's wings.

And singing lead vocals

for Lynyrd Skynyrd...

...with, like, a angel band.

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