Stranger Than Fiction Page #5

Other than that.

I don't know.

I suppose I would send you to see

someone who knows about literature.

Okay.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Thank you.

So you're the gentleman

who called me about the narrator.

- Yes.

- This narrator says you're gonna die.

Yes.

- How long has it given you to live?

- I don't know.

Dramatic irony.

It'll f*** you every time.

- So you crazy or what?

- Well--

Are you allowed to say that

to crazy people?

- I don't know.

- Oh, well. How many stairs...

...in the hallway out there?

- What?

You were counting them

as we walked, weren't you?

No.

Of course.

What bank do you work at?

No bank. IRS agent.

- Married?

- No.

Ever?

Engaged to an auditor.

She left me for an actuary.

- How heartbreaking. Live alone?

- Yes.

- Any pets?

- No.

- Friends?

- No. Well, Dave at work.

I see. The narrator,

exactly what does he sound like?

It's a woman.

A woman.

- Is it a familiar woman?

- No.

Someone you know?

No.

Did you have enough time

to count the tiles in the bathroom?

I wasn't counting the tiles.

- Coffee?

- No, thank you.

- Sure?

- Yes.

So this woman, the voice,

told you you're gonna die?

She didn't tell me.

She doesn't know I can hear her.

- But she said it.

- Yes.

And you believed her.

She's been right

about a few other things.

- Such as?

- How I felt about work.

- You dislike your work?

- Yes.

Well, not the most insightful voice

in the world, is it?

First thing on a list

of what Americans hate: Work.

Second, traffic. Third, missing socks.

See what I'm saying?

Sort of.

I told you you were gonna die,

you believe me?

- No.

- Why?

I don't know you.

- But you don't know this narrator.

- Well... .

- Okay, Mr. Crick, I can't help you.

- Why?

Well, I'm not an expert in crazy,

I'm an expert in literature theory.

And I gotta tell you, thus far...

...there doesn't seem to be a single

literary thing about you.

I don't doubt you hear a voice,

but it couldn't possibly be a narrator...

...because, frankly, there doesn't seem

to be much to narrate.

Beside that, this semester

I'm teaching five courses.

I'm mentoring

two doctoral candidates...

...and I'm the faculty lifeguard

at the pool.

- I just thought you could possibly--

- Perhaps you should keep a journal.

Write down what she said

or something.

That's all I can suggest.

I can barely remember it all.

I just remember:

"Little did he know that this simple,

seemingly innocuous act...

...would lead to his imminent death."

- What?

- "Little did he know that this--"

- Did you say, "little did he know"?

- Yes.

I've written papers

on "little did he know."

I used to teach a class

based on "little did he know."

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