Stan Helsing

Synopsis: It's Halloween night, and slacker video clerk Stan Helsing along with his insanely sexy ex-girlfriend , best buddy and an exotic dancer/'massage therapist' - detours into a town cursed by the biggest monsters in movie history: Freddy, Jason , Pinhead , Leatherface , Chucky , & Michael Myers.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Bo Zenga
Production: Anchor Bay Entertainment
  1 win.
Rotten Tomatoes:
108 min

No! Ahh!

This place has got

great surround sound, man.


Happy Halloween.

Yeah yeah yeah,

we carry porn.

What do I recommend?

"Schindler's Fist,"

"How Stella Got

Her Tube Packed,"

"Six Degrees of Penetration."

That's a good one.

"Glad He Ate Her."

Yeah yeah. Okay.

- Stan?

- You're welcome, Grandma.


There's a cockroach in the ladies' room.

It's your turn to kill it.

Dude, come on,

you know my motto:

There's always someone

better for the job.

- Now!

- I'm off in 10 minutes.

Can't you have somebody

from the late shift do it?

No. I'm the manager and I say

you have to do it.

I got bongs older than you.

Well, I'm still the boss,

and I say you have to do it.

Don't make me write you up.

Here, you're gonna need it.

It's funny, I watched "The Notebook"

last night and I actually liked it.

You watched "The Notebook"

and you liked it?

Yeah. I'm actually thinking about

watching "Titanic" tonight too.

Stick it in me!

This "Blair Witch Project"

is some scary sh*t.

Oh, no, someone rearrangin'

rocks again.

See, this is why black people

don't go camping.

Why does that b*tch gotta keep shining

that light up her dripping nose?

Run, b*tch, run!


Thanks for scaring

the sh*t out of us.

We would have let you join in.


I cockblocked myself.

Ahh, too many Peanut Chews!

Oh, cock...


Sorry, uh, dude,

I thought this was available,

but it's okay.

I don't actually need it,

'cause I just pissed myself.

You look tense.

Uh, you need a magazine?

Toilet paper?

Let me get you a magazine.

Ah, I see you're a fan of

the Kobe Bryant position.


What the... oh!

Hey, Sully, we're out of paper towels

in the ladies' room.

And these little puppies...

these lady diaper things

are super absorbent.

I'm gonna start doing

my dishes with those.

You gotta call somebody

about the cockroach in the bathroom.

Ask for a truck.

A very big truck.

Anyways, you're gonna need this.

- What's that?

- It's the videos

that you promised the owner

that you'd deliver to his mother.

Dude, no.

I got my friends right

outside waiting for me.

We're going to the coolest

Halloween party ever, okay?

- Can someone else do it?

- No, you promised.

And if you want to have a job here on

Monday, I would suggest that you do it.


- What?

- No.

- I'm sorry?

- No!

Stan, this is my date, Mia.

- Well hello, Mia.

- Hi.

- Why did you come as a cowboy?

- What?

I told you I was gonna

come as an Indian.

Now people are gonna think

that we're together.

Well, I think the correct term

is Native American.

And you look like Bret Michaels.

- Oh, yeah?

- Not a good look.

Hey! Whoa!

God, I forgot, okay?

- Yeah, right.

- I did, I swear.

I didn't know you were

gonna wear that.

I think you guys look cute together.

- See?

- That's the problem.

Because we're not

together anymore.

- So, Mia?

- Hmm?

- What do you do?

- I used to be an exotic dancer,

but now I'm a massage therapist.

Oh, isn't that like

the same thing?

No. One you dance naked

and the other you

whack people off.

I just got a music gig.

A music gig?

Karaoke doesn't count as a music gig.

All right, Nadine, chill out.

I'll have us to the party

in, like, 10 minutes

and then you guys can separate.

Hey, can we make a quick stop

before we go to the party?

What stop?

I gotta drop off these videos

at my boss's mom's house.

Where's she live?



- Isn't the party downtown?

- Quick detour.

In the complete opposite direction.

It's not even close to

being close by.

Come on, T!

Highway driving, man.

We'll get there in no time.

No way. No.

All right. But if I can't drop off

these videos, I'm gonna lose my job

and then I won't be able to pay

you guys the money I owe you...

both of you.

So, whatever.

If you don't want your money.


His scent leads to this store.

But remember, I get the first taste

of his raw flesh.

- Why...

- It's not worth it.

Not worth it!

Come on.

Nice costume.

You're, like, the third one tonight.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for a Mr. Helsing.

You should watch this one.

It's super tight.

Um, can you hold her for a minute for me?

I just need to get my wallet out.

Thank you.

Is there anything else

I can help you with?


I'll have a box of

the Hot Tamales then.

Man, I knew it was too good to be true.

We're bumper to bumper over here.

It's probably a traffic jam.

Oh, snap, Teddy.

MILF alert, 3:

Ooh. Hello hello.


- You're so gross.

- What?


"Oh oh, Teddy.

Teddy, there's a MILF alert,

You think I don't know

what that means?

What's a milk alert?

I can't believe I ever even

went out with you.

- The best six weeks of your life.

- It was two weeks.

Yeah, but I was doing you in

my mind for the other four.


That's so sweet.

No. No.


- Did you guys see that?

- What, another MILF?


In the MILF's van.

That doll mimed a blowj*b

and started smacking his ass.

- That's so weird.

- No no no no.

That's not weird at all.

It's... you know, it's a MILF

driving a car with a doll

that's miming a blowj*b

and spanking his ass.

Yeah yeah.

Sounds perfectly normal.

My brother said I used to give

his GI Joe doll a boner.

- Oh!

- Okay,

you probably want to keep that

to yourself.

You know what?

Forget I even said it.

Oh, no.

We won't be forgetting that one.

Nope, it went right...

right up here.

Well, there's plenty of

room for that there.

In Stan's defense, there is a phenomenon

called an urban mirage.

Forget it, dude.

You do not have to defend me.

I'm just saying, people get stressed out

in urban settings. It happens.

I saw what I saw.

- Sh*t.

- What?

- Did another doll just moon you?

- No, we missed our exit.

- Why aren't you paying attention?

- Dude, that doll freaked me out!

It's all right. Just take the next exit.

I know how to get there

taking the back roads.

Ooh, I've heard that before.

All right, which way?

Uh, straight.

It would help if there were

some f***ing street signs.


Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Me too.

And I'm a vegetarian.

Uh, he's slowing down.

I think he's trying to box us in.

Teddy, she's right.

Go around him.

All right, hang on.

- Teddy, you gotta speed up.

- I'm flooring it!

- Whoa!

- What the hell is driving that truck?

Looks like a purse

I bought in Tijuana.

Oh, great, now he's speeding up.

- Almost.

- Oh my God. Oh my God.

- Teddy, drop back!

- I can't. It's too late. I gotta pass!

There's another semi coming!

- Are we dead?

- No. But we should be.

Teddy, that was awesome, man.

You should be a stunt-car driver.

I wanted to be a stuntman, but a little thing

called law school got in the way.

What do we do now?

We do nothing.

My motto is don't get involved.

I thought you said you knew how

to get us back on the highway.

Why don't we just knock on the door

of one of these houses out here?

Wrong answer.

Ever seen a little movie

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Bo Zenga

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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