Stan Helsing

Synopsis: It's Halloween night, and slacker video clerk Stan Helsing along with his insanely sexy ex-girlfriend , best buddy and an exotic dancer/'massage therapist' - detours into a town cursed by the biggest monsters in movie history: Freddy, Jason , Pinhead , Leatherface , Chucky , & Michael Myers.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Bo Zenga
Production: Anchor Bay Entertainment
  1 win.
Rotten Tomatoes:
108 min

No! Ahh!

This place has got

great surround sound, man.


Happy Halloween.

Yeah yeah yeah,

we carry porn.

What do I recommend?

"Schindler's Fist,"

"How Stella Got

Her Tube Packed,"

"Six Degrees of Penetration."

That's a good one.

"Glad He Ate Her."

Yeah yeah. Okay.

- Stan?

- You're welcome, Grandma.


There's a cockroach in the ladies' room.

It's your turn to kill it.

Dude, come on,

you know my motto:

There's always someone

better for the job.

- Now!

- I'm off in 10 minutes.

Can't you have somebody

from the late shift do it?

No. I'm the manager and I say

you have to do it.

I got bongs older than you.

Well, I'm still the boss,

and I say you have to do it.

Don't make me write you up.

Here, you're gonna need it.

It's funny, I watched "The Notebook"

last night and I actually liked it.

You watched "The Notebook"

and you liked it?

Yeah. I'm actually thinking about

watching "Titanic" tonight too.

Stick it in me!

This "Blair Witch Project"

is some scary shit.

Oh, no, someone rearrangin'

rocks again.

See, this is why black people

don't go camping.

Why does that bitch gotta keep shining

that light up her dripping nose?

Run, bitch, run!


Thanks for scaring

the shit out of us.

We would have let you join in.


I cockblocked myself.

Ahh, too many Peanut Chews!

Oh, cock...


Sorry, uh, dude,

I thought this was available,

but it's okay.

I don't actually need it,

'cause I just pissed myself.

You look tense.

Uh, you need a magazine?

Toilet paper?

Let me get you a magazine.

Ah, I see you're a fan of

the Kobe Bryant position.


What the... oh!

Hey, Sully, we're out of paper towels

in the ladies' room.

And these little puppies...

these lady diaper things

are super absorbent.

I'm gonna start doing

my dishes with those.

You gotta call somebody

about the cockroach in the bathroom.

Ask for a truck.

A very big truck.

Anyways, you're gonna need this.

- What's that?

- It's the videos

that you promised the owner

that you'd deliver to his mother.

Dude, no.

I got my friends right

outside waiting for me.

We're going to the coolest

Halloween party ever, okay?

- Can someone else do it?

- No, you promised.

And if you want to have a job here on

Monday, I would suggest that you do it.


- What?

- No.

- I'm sorry?

- No!

Stan, this is my date, Mia.

- Well hello, Mia.

- Hi.

- Why did you come as a cowboy?

- What?

I told you I was gonna

come as an Indian.

Now people are gonna think

that we're together.

Well, I think the correct term

is Native American.

And you look like Bret Michaels.

- Oh, yeah?

- Not a good look.

Hey! Whoa!

God, I forgot, okay?

- Yeah, right.

- I did, I swear.

I didn't know you were

gonna wear that.

I think you guys look cute together.

- See?

- That's the problem.

Because we're not

together anymore.

- So, Mia?

- Hmm?

- What do you do?

- I used to be an exotic dancer,

but now I'm a massage therapist.

Oh, isn't that like

the same thing?

No. One you dance naked

and the other you

whack people off.

I just got a music gig.

A music gig?

Karaoke doesn't count as a music gig.

All right, Nadine, chill out.

I'll have us to the party

in, like, 10 minutes

and then you guys can separate.

Hey, can we make a quick stop

before we go to the party?

What stop?

I gotta drop off these videos

at my boss's mom's house.

Where's she live?



- Isn't the party downtown?

- Quick detour.

In the complete opposite direction.

It's not even close to

being close by.

Come on, T!

Highway driving, man.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Stan Helsing" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 13 Aug. 2020. <>.

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