Stag Page #3

you why I don't have a license.

Because after my stag,

thanks to Ken,

I no longer have

a sense of depth perception,

and therefore am not allowed

behind the wheel of a car.

I get it, all right, but

that was four years ago,

and you

gotta get over it.

Oh! Oh!

Make no mistake,

I know exactly

how long ago it was,

and now the universe has

aligned itself to afford me

the opportunity

to show Ken

the same respect

that he showed me.

And I intend to. So if you

would please be so kind,

please,

pretty f***ing please,

pick up

the f***ing stripper!

Okay, I will. But first,

I have to call my wife,

and I have to lie to her,

and that's something I'm

not comfortable doing, okay?

So if you'll excuse me...

That is fantastic.

Say hi for me.

Her name's Candy.

Seriously, I'm

picking up a Candy?

Yeah.

Here's the address.

F***ing depth perception.

Okay, this is the address

of the club she works at

during the day, okay?

Now I have to go.

I'm masterminding the prank

and assigning

tasks to the guys.

Speaking of which,

do you have any Viagra?

No, not on me.

Okay, well,

search continues.

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

Now, Candy's expecting

you to pick her up

at the strip club at 5:00

sharp, so don't be late, okay?

Okay.

See you tonight?

Yes.

Sweetie... Sorry. Hold on

for one more sec.

Excuse me, 5:
00?

The stag is not until 7:00!

What am I gonna do

with a stripper

for two f***in' hours?!

[ sighs ]

[ door opens,

indicator beeps ]

You okay?

Two years.

Ah, f*** her.

All women are

a pain in the ass.

Two years, Paul.

I know, I know,

it's shitty.

It's shitty.

Plus, I don't like it

when people f***

with my friends.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Now let's just...

We'll go get drunk

before the stag, okay?

You'll feel better.

Okay.

She's watching.

You think she's having second

thoughts?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know,

but you know what?

You know what?

Now's your chance

to leave with pride.

Let her watch you leave.

Let her wonder

if she made the mistake.

Right.

Right?

Yeah. Pride.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

[ ignition grinding ]

What the f***

are you doing?

I don't know.

Aw, this is

f***in' embarrassing.

I know.

"Park, Brights... "

Who's that?

[ ignition grinding ]

Aw, cripes.

That's him.

[ ignition grinding ]

Son of a-

Wow.

He's pretty cool.

Oh.

[ ignition grinding ]

I don't think she's

having second thoughts.

Not only are you fired,

the second he un-jams

this door,

I'm gonna wring

your f***in' neck.

Hey, man, I said

I was sorry, okay?

I was just in character,

and I slammed it.

Character?

You're an extra!

You're a sack of meat that

happened to fit the damn jumpsuit!

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