Sightseers Page #3

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- Okay?

- The little hole.

The little hole.

Turn it round so that fits

in that little bit there.

- That hole...

- No, I wanna do it.

- Okay.

- This is a ridiculous plug, this.

Never seen anything like it.

- (CLICKS)

- CHRIS:
There we go.

- I did it. (CHUCKLES)

- Brilliant.

I'll just sort that out.

Chris?

What?

It's a bit eerie, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose it is, yeah.

I didn't think it would kill him,

did you, Chris?

Well, there's loads of stuff

under a caravan that'll kill you.

I'll have nightmares

about that tonight now.

Oh, you're not gonna go under a caravan,

are you?

You're gonna be in the driving seat.

In the car, with me.

Well, not driving.

I mean, in the passenger seat.

I'll do the driving.

CHRIS:
Bit of a mess, actually.

There we go, good as new.

CHRIS:
This is exactly

how I imagined it.

There's no one sticking their nose in.

No one penetrating the mind.

(SIGHING) I'll have to sort

all of this out all again.

CHRIS:
Take the noble English oak,

Old Knobbley.

That won't stab you in the back

or belittle your five-year plan.

I mean, where am I supposed to put that?

- That tree won't...

- There isn't anywhere.

- There's just no surfaces.

- ... steal things that belong to you

and put them in another place

just to piss you off.

That tree won't involve itself

in low-level bullying

that means you have to leave work.

I've got a confession to make.

Chris. Not a wheat intolerance?

No. It's, uh, it's not just

an erotic odyssey we're on.

(DISAPPOINTED) Isn't it?

Well, it is.

I mean, that's a big part of it, but...

(INHALES) Er, I'm writing a book.

- Are you?

- Yeah.

I thought I'd just have

a bit of a sabbatical.

You know, a bit of time off work

and, you know, find my voice.

But, uh, I've had a bit of a problem

with writer's block.

You know, been...

creative constipation.

I hooked up with you at capoeira

and I realised you were exactly

what I needed. You know, a muse.

- Am I your muse?

- Yeah.

- Chris!

- How do you feel about that?

I've never been a muse before.

No? I've never had a muse before.

It's great. Yeah.

- Thank you.

- My pleasure.

- What's the book about?

- (DRUMS PLAYING FAINTLY)

Just sort of making inroads into

my own mind and taking notes as I go.

Do you know what I mean? It's fantastic.

I'm really pleased with

what I've come up with so far.

- MAN:
Knock, knock.

- CHRIS:
Oh, hello.

Settled in?

CHRIS:
Yeah, we have, thanks.

Yeah, lovely spot.

- Not bad, is it?

- Yeah.

Just doing my rounds.

Sorry about the racket.

- CHRIS:
Yeah.

- Festival in the yurt field.

- CHRIS:
Who are they?

- Uh, well, they're shaman.

They're sort of priests. Shamans.

They're from Portsmouth, you know.

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