Sex Ed

Hey, man. Do you have a

bathroom that we could use?

We?

She loves bathrooms.

No.

Look, man, we wanna f***

in the bagel bathroom.

You just tell me

what that's gonna take.

Nothing. You can't.

I'll tell you what.

Give me every

f***ing bagel you got.

I'll buy you out, and then I'm

gonna bang in the bagel room.

I really...

She wants to eat

a bagel off my cock.

Guys, I'm sorry,

but this isn't gonna happen.

I want

a cock bagel.

She wants a cock bagel, man. Sympathize.

I don't sympathize.

Hey, didn't you teach

geometry a couple of years ago?

No.

He did.

He was our f***ing student

teacher. Remember that?

Holy sh*t.

Yes, you're right.

Now you work in a bagel shop?

Economy's been really bad.

Wow, man.

You're a real loser.

I bet you masturbate a lot.

You have that look.

I don't have that look.

You guys need to leave.

- Or what?

- Or I'll call the police.

Oh, f*** you, man.

We want the bathroom.

Aw, he's

the f***ing quarterback.

Stop!

Eat dick, bagel man.

Hey, let's

just go f*** in your car.

Hey, man.

You're home early.

What are you

doing in my room?

It's cool.

A little mix-up.

She's great, right?

You're screwing in my bed?

I don't have sheets on my bed. I

thought you just lay down a towel.

She is not "just a towel"

kind of girl. She's special.

Oh, good. I'm happy...

That's not my bed.

That's Eddie's bed.

I'm disgusting. I... I don't

have any sheets on my bed...

I pissed the bed, threw out the

sheets and never got new ones.

And I just wanna be perfectly

honest with you because I'm...

I'm crazy about you.

You are

so f***ing cheesy.

And I think

I kind of like it.

Okay, good night.

Oh, Eddie.

Eddie, Ally.

Ally, Eddie. Hi. Hi.

So, you're the first girl

to be naked in my bed.

Oh, I'm...

I'm sorry.

No, no. It's fine.

Did that letter come

for me today, man?

Oh. Yeah.

It's in the bathroom.

What's it doing

in the bathroom?

That's where I read

my mail, dude.

Rejected.

What?

That sucks.

Dude, you were born to teach.

I was, man.

I'm a good teacher.

When I was a student teacher, our math

team went to the motherfucking state finals.

You goddamn right they did. You gave

those nerds something to live for.

You don't get to the state

finals by being nice, man.

Geometry isn't nice. It's

f***ing hard. Pythagorean theorem?

- I don't even know what that is.

- I am sick and tired...

of waiting to be

a teacher, man.

You wanna screw a girl,

you don't wait to buy bedding.

The quarterback wants a

cock bagel, he doesn't wait.

and I'm gonna tell the American Teaching

Corps they owe me a goddamn interview.

Yes! Yes!

Right? Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

What is a cock bagel?

Hi. You rejected my application

without ever giving me an interview.

And I deserve

an interview.

So that's why I'm here.

I like your spirit.

Let's see this rsum.

It says here you student-taught

at Bradenton. Good school.

I really enjoyed

that experience,

and I actually started a math

team that went to the state finals.

I used to work with kindergartners

before they put me behind the desk.

Oh. God, I loved those f***ing kids.

Great hugs.

And their smiles?

Gives you a reason

to wake up in the morning.

Absolutely.

You mind?

Totally.

You're allowed to like

drinking. You know what I mean?

Sure. Of course.

That's why

I love those kids.

I mean, if I were sad

or maybe a little drunk...

They don't judge.

You know?

Maybe I worked my way

through an eight ball...

and woke up in St. Pete with

half a kitten in a cardboard box.

Didn't matter.

Those little guys...

good for the hug, always.

Well, I've always thought

that a... a nurturing approach...

is much better

than being an authoritarian.

That's why we do it.

We don't do it for the

b*tches, that's for certain.

No. I... I do not do it

for the b*tches either.

Well, not to say

I pay for sex.

I mean, strip club occasionally,

but that's no biggie.

There's nothing wrong

with a gentleman's club.

No, there isn't.

Me, personally,

big fan of Odyssey 2001.

You been there?

Uh, the strip club?

I think I've seen it from the

highway. With the spaceship?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah.

A good strip club has

to have a compelling theme.

Otherwise, you're just jerking

off in a warehouse. You know?

Do you mind if I give you

some advice? Please do.

This isn't teaching advice.

This is life advice.

Okay, cool.

Never do two illegal things

at the same time.

I like that advice.

Can I give you

some more advice?

Do not go to a strip club

in the town you live in.

Not even Odyssey?

Especially not Odyssey.

Why? Because it

becomes habitual.

Before you know it, you're just

stopping by for a quick drink.

And the bartender's mixing you a "G

and T" before you even asked for it.

Then one day you wake up...

and guess what happens.

I don't know what,

but it sounds bad.

You're married, man.

You're f***ing married.

And your wife? She's still working

the pole four nights a week.

F*** me.

That's all I'm saying.

Write this sh*t down.

I brought a pad.

This is gold, man.

All right, "Edward Cole. "

Right?

Eddie. Eddie's fine.

Eddie.

Yeah.

Like Eddie Murphy.

So, what do you

wanna teach, Eddie?

I mean, ideal world.

Well, I was trained

to teach math.

And as I was saying, our team

went to the state finals last year.

Good for you.

Well, the thing is...

we don't really have

any positions.

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