Schneider vs. Bax

Synopsis: Schneider, a hit man, gets a call from Mertens on the morning of his birthday. He has a rush job for Schneider who refuses it, because it is his birthday and he has promised Lucy, his wife, to help her with the preparations for the dinner party. Mertens insists that it is an important matter. Schneider is told that the target is Ramon Bax, a writer. He lives alone in a secluded place. "It's an easy job. With a little luck you're back home before noon." Schneider accepts the assignment. What seems to be a simple job turns out to be more than expected.
Genre: Comedy, Thriller
Director(s): Alex van Warmerdam
Production: Graniet Film BV
  1 win & 18 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
96 min

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

Ok, let's go.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear daddy

Happy birthday to you

- Hip hip hip...

- Hurray!


Thank you.

Come, girls, we have to go.

- Bye, sweethearts.

- Bye, daddy.

Schneider speaking.

- Happy birthday.

- Yes, thanks.

- Have the girls sung for you yet?

- Yes.

Listen, there's a problem.

I knew it. You wouldn't call me

just for my birthday.

It's urgent.

- I'm not available today.

- It has to happen today.

Ask Kraus then.

He's also very good.

Kraus is abroad.

9 o'clock. Be there.

Are you still there?

- Yes, I'm still there.

- Nine o'clock.

- Do you have to leave?

- Mertens called. It's urgent.

- You were going to help me.

- I know.

- Do you know how long you'll be?

- No.

Karin cancelled.

- I don't mind that.

- Me neither.

I'll be back as fast as I can.

- Can't we do it tomorrow?

- No.

- Is it that important?

- Yes.

What's it about?

Ramon Bax, an author.

He's here, at the lake.

In a wooden cottage. He's on his own.

- Approach the house from the front.

- Why can't I do it tomorrow?

- Tomorrow, he'll be gone.

- I have to help Lucy with a dinner.

- You should be home before noon.

- I'm not doing it.

It's Tuesday,

a good day for a job.

What does Tuesday have to do

with it?

Tuesday is a lucky day.

Didn't you know?

I'm not doing it.

Schneider, it's important.

It's not payback.

It's to prevent worse.

Ramon Bax is a child-killer.


Little Ramon...

Your breakfast is ready.

- What day is it today?

- Tuesday.

What time is it?

Quarter to ten.

- Sh*t!

- What is it?

Sorry, darling. Have a shower and

get dressed. Then you'll have to go.

- Go?

- My daughter's coming.

She can't see you here.

- And you tell me that now?

- I forgot. That can happen.



How clean do you want to be?

- I'm sad.

- Sad? Why?

- I thought we were serious.

- We are.

- Prove it.

- How?

- Introduce me to your daughter.

- Not today.

- You're ashamed of me.

- No, but my daughter's strange.

Who's more important,

your daughter or me?

You, of course.

But my daughter and I have a history.

Delete that history then.

Like you do after you've watched porn.

Get dressed.

- Suddenly, I'm no longer important?

- At ten, you'll be gone. 1... 2...

How do I get home?


Do you know more?

I'm at the pumping-station.

It's completely blocked.

I'm waiting for the technicians.

- So it could take long.

- Yes, don't count on me, sorry.

- Don't worry about me.

- See you later.

Bye, darling.


- Have you been here long?

- Fifteen minutes.

The front door was locked.

- You should have called.

- I did, you were wearing headphones.

- How are you?

- Fine.

- And you?

- Fine.

- Has it been a year?

- Just about.

- Cup of tea?

- Yes, of course.

Where are you?

Why do you call me?

That's very unusual.

- Where are you?

- On my way.

How far from the target?

No idea. I'm on the other side of

the lake, in the reeds.

Let me know when you have visual

of the house.

Mum says you're writing.

That's true.

- Are you writing a novel?

- Yes.

- What about?

- The same as all novels.

Fate, love...

- Who was your visitor?

- Why?

I had a meeting.

- With whom?

- An editor.

- An editor?

- Yes, an editor.

- An editor in a skirt?

- Yes.

- With coke and weed, apparently.

- Yes, to add to the fun.

Still? Do you still need that?

Stop it, Francisca.

Sometimes I take coke or smoke a joint.

You eat muesli. I don't comment on that.

- Muesli's good for you.

- I don't think so.

Muesli depresses me.

Muesli's for goats.

- Shall we stop this, daddy?

- We? You started this.

You haven't been here for ten minutes

and you're already checking up on me.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm a bird-watcher.

You're not allowed to be here.

This is a restricted area.

- Is the white van yours?

- Yes.

If you follow the road,

you'll reach the unrestricted zone.

I've never seen you here.

I've never been here before.


He said he was alone.

But he's with a crying woman.

A crying woman?

Yes, a woman who's crying.

- Young or old?

- What do I care?

You don't inform me well. You didn't

tell me this was a protected area.

A protected area?

Does it make a difference?

I was kicked out by a ranger.

- Is that a problem?

- I have to start all over again.

What do you mean, all over?

I'm in disguise and they've seen

me with this disguise.

In disguise?

You're disguised?

Yes, disguised. Are you going to

pretend you didn't know?

I always wear a disguise for

this kind of job.

- You're disguised as what?

- As someone else.

And I assume that the ranger wrote down

my license number.

So I need another disguise and

another car.

That means my own car!

This really sucks, Mertens!

Don't call me anymore!

I'll do this, my way!

But the woman has to go.

Otherwise I won't do anything.

Damn it!

I'm emotional, daddy.

Everything went wrong, last year.

Everything I wanted failed.

Have you spoken to Cato yet?

To Cato?

What do I need Cato for?

- First of all, she's your sister.

- What do I want Cato for?

She gets everything she wants

without doing anything for it.

That's why you should talk to her.

You're rigid.

You plan everything. Cato goes with

the flow. That's the secret, sweetheart.

- Why do you bring up Cato?

- I told you. Cato can help.

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Alex van Warmerdam

Alex van Warmerdam (born 14 August 1952) is a Dutch screenwriter, film director, and actor. He is also a painter. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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