Rzhevskiy protiv Napoleona

Synopsis: Leiutenant Rzhevskiy is sent by Russian generals to stop Napoleon.
Genre: Comedy
95 min





Rzhevsky against Napoleon.



Napoleon Bonaparte

or just 'Bonya'.

Natasha Rostova.


Bagratyon -of Abkhazia.


De Mazosad -yan.


Count Tolstoy

or just 'Classic'.


of the Guard.


40-year-old virgin.


Ney - Gay.

Our story, ladies and gentlemen,

begins in Paris.

At that time, Paris was

known as the capital of the world.

While Moscow fell on ruinous times,

in Paris reigned

the famous Napoleon.

Meet the French emperor:

Napoleon Bonaparte.

A brilliant strategist,

first-rate commander

and a big fan of women.

LE "Canon"

Sir, I don't want to

bother you, but...

My horse!




But the great emperor had

one small flaw.

For such a big personality,

he had a very small shoe size.

It caused him a

horrible complex.

And this complex would drive

the Corsican across Schengen Europe,

from state to state.

"Size does not matter"

-he said...

And he won on

all fronts.

And in love too,

Of course.

Love makes the world go round.

or rather, 'libido',

in modern terms.

So driven by an insatiable libido,

this midget & enslaver

arrived in the country

where live the most beautiful women in the world.

But here, his libido would soon be clipped.


Hurrah! Russia!

Yes, yes ...

- Field Marshal Sir.

The French are at the gates of Moscow.

- Dismissed.

What do you say, gentlemen officers?

If we fight now, we lose an army.

If we lose the capital,

we lose our honor.

I suggest, lose the honor.

Your excellency, why do we need Moscow?

The capital has no gas mains, no gasoline, not even oxygen to breathe.

Congestion in the streets?

The Kremlin without the Tsar's Bell

is like a big 'F*** you!'

All right.

So it shall be. We will allow

the enemy the capital.

Cheers to that!

I just think that Napoleon won't satisfy himself

to chew and spit in Moscow.

He will go on, to the Urals.

I want to bog him down in Moscow

all the way to ...

the tops of his boots.


How about sending a spy? With our

women he will be as bogged as a swamp.

We have already sent them multiple times.

A woman's conversation with Napoleon is short. Look.

Here you go.

So, now we have to

pay her compensation.

And this is the end result.

-So, our spy

must be a super woman.

She must be able to hook up,

and not get pregnant.

-I have an idea.

Madam, how many times must I tell you?

I cannot go for so long without air!

Lieutenant Rzhevsky.

Pack up your things, Lieutenant.

You're going with me.

Personal order of the Emperor.

Aha! Here we go.

And where was the Emperor,

When they threw me into this hell?

You looking for trouble?

-Get out, you fool!

And why did it happen?


You slept the battle.

-The task was weighing on me terribly

of raising the birth rate of the state!

Enough! There is no need

to stew on the past.

The Fatherland is in danger.

And it's your job

to defend the homeland.


The Homeland is my weakness.

In short,

the high command has issued a task,

at all costs to keep

Napoleon in Moscow.

That's it.

-But it requires a woman.

And who is this?




I, a Russian officer, must every day

change my pants for panties?


-I understand. It is difficult.

But it is necessary for the Fatherland.

-And now for the Fatherland,

I must park my horse screwy?

-It's war!

And each has its own front.

-So you may order me

to give myself to Bonaparte?

If there is such an order, you'll do it!

But, if you fulfill the task,

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Marius Balchunas

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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