Running with Scissors Page #4

Hope, you've no business being in here!

This is my masturbatorium!

- And you're using my blanket.

- I was just taking a nap.

Nap? This is not the place for naps!

Go mind the telephone. Make fresh coffee.

Do your job, like a responsible woman.

He's leaving.

Now I can focus on my writing.

This is nice.

Maybe I'll become a doctor.

It's just down here, on the right.

That's not it.

Is it?

It can't be.

This is it, Augusten.

This is Dr. Finch's house.

No doctor lives here.

Hello, Agnes.

Hello, Deirdre. Come in.

Oh, Freud.

Well, you must be Augusten,

isn't that right?

Yes, well, I'm Agnes. I'm Dr. Finch's wife.

Well, make yourselves at home.

I'll go get the doctor.

I'll wait in the car.

No, no, you will not wait in the car.

It'll be hours and it's rude.

You just stay here.

Get along with the Finch children.

Up here, Deirdre.

Abigail,

what are you doing here?

Would you like to try some?

No.

Thanks.

Why does everybody make such a fuss?

It's just a little kibble.

That stuff's not clean.

It's for dogs.

Well, I guess you're afraid

to try new things, Augusten.

Sad.

Isn't it a little early for Christmas?

You mean late.

It's been up for two years.

I just pooped.

Oh, way to go, kiddie-poo.

Hey.

I'm Natalie. The other daughter.

- Augusten.

- I know.

What's with the clothes, choir boy?

Are you going to church?

I just pooped.

John Moses is the kid

of one of my dad's patients.

We watch him sometimes.

Come on, I'm supposed to

keep you occupied.

- What is it?

- It's an electroshock therapy machine.

My dad used to use it on patients

all the time.

Until the police came.

Come on, it'll be a wicked blast.

Help me move it.

So why is Dr. Finch seeing patients

in his house now?

Well, you know how President Carter makes

us drive 40 miles out of our way to buy gas?

Because we're in...

An energy crisis?

Right.

Well, that means people don't have

extra money for luxuries like mental health,

so he's lost a lot of patients.

He's downsizing.

Are you ready?

For what?

Are you retarded?

To play doctor.

Okay. Well, I'll be the doctor

and you can be the nurse.

I'm not gonna be some c*nt-licking nurse.

I'll be my father and you be your mother.

Okay.

How are we feeling today, Deirdre?

I'm blocked, Dr. Finch.

I can't tap into my subconscious.

I feel I do have a classic in me.

I feel I am owed a Pulitzer Prize,

even though I've only published one book

I paid for myself.

It's very clear to me now.

There's only one treatment available

that could resurrect your creative spirit.

Electroshock therapy.

We'll start with 1000 volts.

Is this gonna hurt?

Well, maybe if you pass out you won't

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