Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #2

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and introduced herself like this: "Hey!"

[hiccups]

"I know you.

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy

with those sick-ass jokes you tell,

because one of these days

you're going to meet your maker."

I couldn't tell if she was serious because

I run into a lot of drunk sons of b*tches.

But it dawned on me real quick

that she was serious.

She sat down and told me one of these days

I was going to meet my maker.

I told her I was encouraged,

because I thought I might be going

straight to hell.

[laughter]

I had no idea I was going to get

a chance to explain myself.

Because I feel like I can talk my way

out of anything, given a damn chance.

Then she told me

how upset God was with me,

and I said, "How could I be so wrong,

if I was his idea?"

I'm not my fault.

Do you ever think that maybe God got tired

of stamping out the same old sh*t,

and thought, "Tonight, I'm going

to make something weird"?

[laughter]

When he was putting me together, he was

using different kinds of ingredients.

He had on big rubber gloves,

and it was late one night.

He was in his laboratory, somebody walked

in and interrupted him: "Hey, God."

And I got loose.

He went, "F***! Get that."

[laughter]

"It's got half a brain

and I didn't put a dick on it."

[laughter]

"If it gets loose, it will hate itself."

Imagine how long the damn line is,

to meet your maker.

"Has that f***er let anybody in yet?

I've been here four hours.

The line hasn't moved."

That's going to be

an anxiety-ridden line, isn't it?

Standing in that son of a b*tch.

Good God!

"What's wrong?"

"I've got to sh*t."

"You can't sh*t outside.

You can only sh*t when you get in."

Then that moment

when you push through the turnstile

and it's just you and Him.

"How are you doing?

I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Rodney. I guess I should ask,

how much do you know?"

[laughter]

I imagine God looking like Clint Eastwood.

You know, the real cool one from the '70s.

Where he sits with a toothpick

in his mouth and pulls it out,

and says, "I know everything."

We're going to be here a while.

[laughter]

I'll pull my pants down and point,

and He's going to go,

"F***, I wondered where you were.

Get in here, you were too quick.

I couldn't catch you when you ran off.

Billy, he's here. You know,

the one I told you about. Nothing there.

Get him a beanbag chair

and something to drink.

Tell him we're sorry

and tell him where the shitter is."

[laughter]

Everything we laugh at,

God has something to do with.

He created the penis,

stuck it on the first man.

Looked at it, stared, wondered

and pondered, and thought,

"Ah, f***. Looks weird by itself.

I have to put something under it."

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