Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth

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1

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the next

president of the United States of America:

Rodney Carrington!

[cheering]

How are you?

Hi, everybody.

[whistling, cheering]

Do not adjust your glasses.

I'm this goddamn fat, alright?

[laughter]

I... I used to look at fat people and go,

"How in the hell did you let yourself

get like that?"

And then I just went out

and found out for myself.

I got divorced about four years ago.

And you don't know how important it is

to have somebody in your life,

around eight or nine o'clock at night,

to say, "Don't eat that."

"You do not need to be eating

chocolate cake this time of night."

Because when you live by yourself

like I do,

and you buy cake, put it in the kitchen...

I'm watching TV at night,

the only thing I can think about

is how there's a cake in my damn kitchen.

There's a cake in my kitchen.

When you live by yourself

you don't need a plate.

You've just got to get a fork.

[laughter]

And you'll eat half, and go, "Well, f*ck,

I'm here." And you eat the other half.

And three months later

you're in drawstring britches.

[laughter]

When you go to buy jeans and they go,

"What size?" you go, "42, 16."

[laughter]

Those are capri pants for fat girls.

When you lean down to pull your boots on

and you black out, like, "What the f*ck?"

[laughter]

...you have to start addressing shit.

I cannot remember the last time that

I physically washed my feet with my hands.

I just pour shampoo on them

and go like that.

[laughter]

You know, I'm just not that motivated

right now, folks.

When you get married and, I don't know,

when you get divorced,

whoever tells you they take half...

they get it all.

If you live in this state

they get every bit of it.

I'm just letting you know.

My kids say, "Get a girlfriend."

Are you crazy?

I'm still paying for the last one.

If somebody came to me and went,

"You want pussy, or mac and cheese?"

I'd go, "F*ck...

I'm gonna go with mac and cheese."

[laughter]

It's just less work, you know?

Pussy is just exhausting.

Isn't it? I mean, I like it,

don't get me wrong.

I just don't like what it's attached to,

90 percent of the time.

[laughter, whooping]

That was the problem with my ex-wife.

I liked it, she didn't care for it.

I tried to get her to eat it

in the hot tub one time, and...

she wouldn't touch it.

I don't blame her.

It's gamey. Tastes like duck.

[laughter]

Doesn't it? You're like:

"What the f*ck? I can't tell.

What does it taste like?

Seagull or some shit? I can't tell."

[laughter]

That's why we eat it in the dark.

You know that, right?

Because if they saw us,

they would see us going,

"Oh, f*ck! How long

do I got to do this shit?"

And they're like, "It's wet, isn't it?"

You're like, "Yeah."

[laughter]

"Yeah, it's wet because I'm

not swallowing this shit."

You breathe...

you breathe through your mouth.

It's the same technique you use

to pick up dog shit.

[laughter]

Isn't it?

When you pick up, you go,

"Oh, shit, oh, f*ck."

That's going to be a topic of conversation

on the way home.

[female voice] "Do you hold your breath

when you lick my pussy?"

[male voice] "Fucking Rodney,

God damn it!"

"Do you hold your breath

when you lick my pussy?"

"Well, hell, mid-week,

I've got to go back to work.

I don't need that shit on my breath."

[laughter]

"But if it's Saturday and I'm hammered

I'll lick your butt. I don't give a f*ck."

[laughter]

You go down there like a trucker.

[gargles]

That's the time you're glad that

pussy juice don't have purple dye in it.

Saturday night, you look like a clown.

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