Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #6

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So I say keep the big door.

Keep the big door.

Sure, keep the big door.

Come on, fat people. Come... In you go.

But when they get in there,

it's all fresh fruit and veg.

It's all whole grain.

It's all stuff

that's good for you.

Of course they'll

be confused at first.

They'll go, "What?"

That's not real food to them.

They think Brussels sprouts

is packaging.

They're... they're looking...

"Where's the cakes?

Where's the cakes?"

The cakes are over here.

The cakes are through

a different door,

but this door

is human-sized.

So now they'll go,

"There's the cakes."

They're gonna...

"Oh f***, I can't get in.

I can't... I can't get

through the f***in' door.

I can't..."

( Whimpering )

And they're starving.

They'll go, "Oh God, I've got...

what's this?

I've gotta eat.

What's this? A banana."

( Retching )

Right?

And they'll go back.

"Oh no, I still can't..."

Back and have a carrot.

( Retching )

They're back and forth for days

and the fat's falling off them.

Soon they can slip through

the door and have a cake.

They can't get out again.

No, but I mean...

But we've gotta do something.

We've gotta intervene.

And people say, "No, it has

nothing to do with you.

It's up to them. It's their body.

It's their life."

And that's true, but we don't say

that about wearing crash helmets.

Or if you've got a heroin

addict in the family,

you don't go, "Oh, it's his life.

He loves heroin."

You know, you... you go,

"No, you've gotta stop this.

Please don't die."

And you get him and you

throw him in a cupboard

for three weeks or something.

You can't throw a fat person

in a cupboard.

You'd do your back in like me.

But, you know, heroin addicts...

They don't weigh anything.

You can throw them around

willy-nilly, right?

In fact, when they're lying there

with a needle hanging out,

you just get

the needle and flick,

and they just go

into the cupboard like that.

Fat people, you've gotta

lure them in...

a little trail of chocolates.

And they just follow that

anywhere, like that.

But we've got to do something

because a third

of the world are obese

and a third of the world

are starving.

The fat ones are eating the

skinny ones' food basically.

I know most of the skinny

ones are in Africa,

so out of sight,

out of mind, I know.

But...

No no.

I can talk about Africa

like that

because I'm from Britain

and we used to own it.

We did when we had the empire

and we ruled the world.

Before you took over we used to...

We owned Africa.

But then in the '50s and '60s

Africa wanted

to be self-ruled.

They wanted independence

and they said,

"We'd like to run ourselves."

We went, "Fine."

So gradually we started giving

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