
Relative Evil
- Year:
- 2001
- 8 Views
[lighter clicking]
(boy)
I've never been so drunk
I couldn't drive.
I've been so drunk,
I couldn't climb stairs.
I've been so drunk,
I couldn't get my fly open,
and instead, I tried to pee
down my leg through the cuff.
but I've always been able
to drive home afterwards.
So I'm pretty
cooked,
but it's
a freeway.
Who can f*ck up
a freeway?
I mean, you get on the ramp,
and off you go.
But then the world's
full of assholes.
And sure enough,
about six miles
from my home,
I met one.
He was driving north
on the south road,
high-beams on,
screaming towards me.
I swerve left,
and this wing nut
swerves right.
We meet
at the guardrail.
I end up in a plaster suit,
and this sauced banker bastard
who guzzled down one too many
at his country club social
miraculously drives
without another car
in sight,
like he's looking
for me.
Sends me
through the windscreen
into the arms
and my steppop.
I don't think the prick
even spilled his drink.
I got my fourth D-dub
and a six-month vacation
at Feather Lane
Juvenile Detention Center,
courtesy
of the county court.
I think my steppop was looking
for a more permanent solution.
He kept telling my ma
I should be tried as an adult.
[whimsical music]
[buzzer buzzing]
[door opening]
Ready?
Yeah.
[swallowing deeply]
Yeah, I-I think I am.
[woman over TV]
It may look
like spring outside,
about to play
the cruelest of all
April Fools' jokes.
It's opening day.
Central Stadium
A cold front
from the north
mixing with this
high-pressure system
is going to hold
for the foreseeable future.
While the rest
of the country
can expect
springlike temperatures,
the Great Lakes area is looking
at 8 to 12 inches by midnight
and temperatures
well below freezing.
Skies are
already darkening,
and an accumulation of moisture
promises prolonged snow
(man)
Snow on opening day.
It's the owners,
Benji.
They're afraid of the sun,
so they put stuff
in the clouds
so they get
their domes.
[whimsical music]
You misunderstand.
It's--
it's not "if."
That's
"by all means if."
That's not even
a question.
It's just
I was wondering
if we shouldn't be
discussing when.
You know, I mean
it's his first day home and all.
Today.
Today,
you're thinkin'?
You're thinking
today.
Today's the day.
[man over TV]
Wolves, God's little janitors,
feed on the sick,
the weak,
those unwilling
or unable--
Wow, this is it.
I just wanted
to thank you all,
and I could not
have done it without you.
You all were
right there for me.
And if
I can do it--
well, hell,
if I can do it--
JJ, time to go.
[ping-pong ball clicking]
[wolves snarling]
(woman)
Is it him?
It can't be him.
It's too early
to be him.
(boy)
No.
It's them.
What?
It's way too goddamn
early for them.
Please, Bull,
it's JJ's day.
is what it is, Phyllis.
Sis!
Bernie!
It's hard to believe
it's spring, huh?
Was driving
bad, Dot?
How are you?
Ducky.
The game on,
huh, Bull?
Nah,
it's snowed out.
Ah, watching the game
with a nice cold one.
Nice chilly one.
(Phyllis)
Punch, Ernie?
Dot?
You know, Phyllis,
to tell you the truth,
I'd rather have one
of Bull's chilly ones there.
Guava punch--
the guavas are from Vietnam.
With bits of orange--
Ernie!
Yes, sis?
Punch?
(Bull)
Who the f*ck
is drinking punch?
I just thought
from the rehabilitation center,
it might be nice
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Citation
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"Relative Evil" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 24 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/relative_evil_16755>.