Relative Evil


[lighter clicking]


I've never been so drunk

I couldn't drive.

I've been so drunk,

I couldn't climb stairs.

I've been so drunk,

I couldn't get my fly open,

and instead, I tried to pee

down my leg through the cuff.

but I've always been able

to drive home afterwards.

So I'm pretty


but it's

a freeway.

Who can f*ck up

a freeway?

I mean, you get on the ramp,

and off you go.

But then the world's

full of assholes.

And sure enough,

about six miles

from my home,

I met one.

He was driving north

on the south road,

high-beams on,

screaming towards me.

I swerve left,

and this wing nut

swerves right.

We meet

at the guardrail.

I end up in a plaster suit,

and this sauced banker bastard

who guzzled down one too many

at his country club social

miraculously drives

ten miles the wrong way

without another car

in sight,

like he's looking

for me.

Sends me

through the windscreen

into the arms

of friendly Officer Waters

and my steppop.

I don't think the prick

even spilled his drink.

I got my fourth D-dub

and a six-month vacation

at Feather Lane

Juvenile Detention Center,


of the county court.

I think my steppop was looking

for a more permanent solution.

He kept telling my ma

I should be tried as an adult.

[whimsical music]

[buzzer buzzing]

[door opening]



[swallowing deeply]

Yeah, I-I think I am.

[woman over TV]

It may look

like spring outside,

but Mother Nature is

about to play

the cruelest of all

April Fools' jokes.

It's opening day.

Central Stadium

is already snowed out,

and winter is coming back.

A cold front

from the north

mixing with this

high-pressure system

is going to hold

the front above us

for the foreseeable future.

While the rest

of the country

can expect

springlike temperatures,

the Great Lakes area is looking

at 8 to 12 inches by midnight

and temperatures

well below freezing.

Skies are

already darkening,

and an accumulation of moisture

promises prolonged snow


Snow on opening day.

It's the owners,


They're afraid of the sun,

so they put stuff

in the clouds

so they get

their domes.

[whimsical music]

You misunderstand.


it's not "if."


"by all means if."

That's not even

a question.

It's just

I was wondering

if we shouldn't be

discussing when.

You know, I mean

it's his first day home and all.



you're thinkin'?

You're thinking


Today's the day.

[man over TV]

Wolves, God's little janitors,

feed on the sick,

the weak,

those unwilling

or unable--

Wow, this is it.

I just wanted

to thank you all,

and I could not

have done it without you.

You all were

right there for me.

And if

I can do it--

well, hell,

if I can do it--

JJ, time to go.

[ping-pong ball clicking]

[wolves snarling]


Is it him?

It can't be him.

It's too early

to be him.



It's them.


It's way too goddamn

early for them.

Please, Bull,

it's JJ's day.

It's a goddamn freak show

is what it is, Phyllis.



It's hard to believe

it's spring, huh?

Was driving

bad, Dot?

How are you?


The game on,

huh, Bull?


it's snowed out.

Ah, watching the game

with a nice cold one.

Nice chilly one.


Punch, Ernie?


You know, Phyllis,

to tell you the truth,

I'd rather have one

of Bull's chilly ones there.

Guava punch--

the guavas are from Vietnam.

With bits of orange--


Yes, sis?



Who the f*ck

is drinking punch?

I just thought

with JJ coming home

from the rehabilitation center,

it might be nice

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    "Relative Evil" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 24 Jan. 2021. <>.

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