Private Lessons

Synopsis: Phillip Filmore is a naive, 15-year-old, preoccupied with sex, who develops a crush on Nicole Mallow, the new 30-something, French housekeeper and sitter to look after him when Phillip's father is out of town for the summer on a "business" trip. But Mr. Filmore's unscrupulous chauffeur, Lester Lewis, takes advantage of Phillip's crush on Nicole to hire her to seduce the youth, then draws her into a plot to fake her own death in a blackmail scheme aimed to drain Phillip's trust fund.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Alan Myerson
Production: MCA Universal Home Video
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
87 min

- Don't do that.

- Why not?

- Because.

- Because why?

- Because I don't want you to touch me there.

- Why not?

Because I said so.

Just let me put my hand there.

I won't even move it.

- Promise?

- I swear to God.

- All right then.

- All right then.

I thought you said you

weren't gonna do that.

I thought you promised.

So I lied.

- Don't do that.

- Why not?

- Because.

- Because what?

Because I don't want you to. I told you.

What is wrong with my just keeping

my hand there and not moving it?

But you don't just keep

your hand there without moving it.

- I will this time.

- I don't believe you.

- I promise.

- You promised last time.

I had my fingers crossed.

For the last time, don't do that.

- Don't do what?

- You know damn well what.

No, I don't.

I am doing nothing.

Well, then stop doing nothing.

Boy, your sister Joyce

sure is sexy.

Yeah, but she looked even better

before she bleached her hair.

I still think she's sexy.

I still say she's a creep.


Would you mind doing

that someplace else?

It's my house, you know?

It's my party.

Boy, that Miss Phipps sure takes

her chaperone real seriously.

She's a bigger drag at parties

than she even is at school.

- But she's still the sexiest teacher at school.

- Yeah, and the most uptight.

At least they're not enjoying it.

- Get on the ground.

- What's going on here?

Just keep quiet.

What are you looking at?


Joyce, she's taking off

all her clothes.

Come on. Let me see.


Oh, wow!

Look at this!

- Uh-oh! Philly!

- What?

- What?

- Yipes!

Oh, hi, Miss Phipps.

- Philly, what are you doing?

- Exercise.


and two...

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.


were you peeking

at a girl in the bathroom?

No, I was exercising.

I know it's normal for

a boy your age to be curious

- about the other sex.

- Yes, ma'am.

Philly, the thing is to find girls whose age

is more appropriate for you.

Yes, ma'am.

Let's go back to the party and

find someone for you to dance with.

And we were supposed to go

on a fishing trip to Canada this week.

- How come you didn't?

- My dad has a dumb business trip to take first.

Now I have to wait

three lousy weeks.

- You wouldn't have had much fun anyway.

- Aw, sure I would.


- Yeah?

- What about lunch?

- I'm gonna eat at the airport with my dad.

- All right.

At what time would you like

to have your dinner then?

- About 7:
00 I guess.

- Won't that be too late?

- No.

- All right then.

Whatever you say, sir.

- That's your new housekeeper, Miss Mallow?

- Yeah.

How old do you think she is?

I don't know. 25 or 30.

Old, but not as old as the rest we've had.

- Think she puts out?

- I dunno. Maybe.

- Morning, Philly.

- Oh, morning, Mr. Green.

- Think she'll do it for the gardener?

- I dunno. Maybe.

Think she'll do it

for the chauffer?

Lester the frou?

Nobody would do it for him.

- I think I'd better walk you to the gate.

- Yeah, I think you'd better.

Think she'd do it for you?

- For me?

- Yeah.

Definitely. Well, maybe.

Well, if you strike out with her,

just remember to send her

over to me, okay?

What are you, crazy?

You wouldn't even get up to bat.

Yeah, that's what you think.

Green, please stay away

from the car. I just washed it.


Do you see what

you've done here?


- Is that all that you have to say to me?

- No.

You got a pile of sh*t

on that car.


I'll tell you some--

Hi, Joyce.

Oh. Hi, Philly.

Can't you children find

someplace else to play?

Go find someplace else yourself.

We were here first.

Boy, what a creep she is.

Thank you.

I should have gone to camp this summer

just to get away from her.

- How come you didn't?

- How come?

'Cause I gotta go on

this goddamn cruise

with my parents

and my creepy sister

to goddamn Honolulu.

We're gonna learn

the goddamn hula-hula.

Pretty good.

Sherman, would you boys

like something to eat?


Thank you.

- Guess how old she is.

- How old?

I wonder what she looks like.

What do you mean

"what she looks like"?

I mean under her uniform.

My housekeeper?

No, my housekeeper.

Miss Mallow.

You're sick.

You take care of everything

while I'm away, Philly.

You're the man of

the house now, you know.


Philly, I wish

your mother were alive

so she could see how well

you can handle yourself now.

Well, anyway, you listen to Lester and

show the new housekeeper the ropes.

You think you can handle her?

- Right.

- Good.

Lester, for God sakes,

don't treat my luggage like that.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Fillmore.

There are some important things

in there. Are you aware of that?

Yes, I am relentlessly

aware of that, sir.

Thank you, Lester. Well--

So, I guess there's nothing else.

We'll just say good-bye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Have a good trip, Dad.


What are we stopping here for?

I mean, isn't this

the servant's entrance?


Don't you usually drop me off

in front of the house?



So, this time I didn't.

Will you be getting out

here then, Philly?

Thank you, Philly.


Do you mind if we talk?

What about?

Things in general.

Like what?

I don't know.

Whatever you like.

Like what do you do

with your time?

Not too much, I guess.

What is there for me to do in this area

on my nights off?

I don't know.

There's a movie theater downtown,

a drugstore and a couple

of bars, I guess.

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Dan Greenburg

Dan Greenburg (born June 20, 1936) is an American writer, humorist, and journalist. His more than 70 books have been published in 20 languages in 24 countries. His best-selling books for adults include How to Be a Jewish Mother, How to Make Yourself Miserable, Love Kills, Exes, and How to Avoid Love and Marriage. He writes four series of children's books, The Zack Files, Secrets of Dripping Fang, Maximum Boy, and Weird Planet. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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