Plump Fiction Page #3

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Fat women were revered.

200 years ago, that little mermaid

at Euro Disney

would've looked more like

Free Willy.

(LIFT DOOR PINGS)

I hear this Mimi is a real handful.

Remember that kung-fu dude

with the black belt and the nunchaks,

Tony Krakatoa?

Used to call him

Polly Want a Cracker?

Little guy,

always smelled like cheese?

Mm-hm. Nacho.

Right.

Mm-hm.

Well, word around the X-ray room

is that those same nunchaks he had,

he's wearing on the inside.

Sets off every metal detector

there is on the LAX

just by driving by the place.

All on account of

a certain plump ex-stripper.

She used to strip?

Mm-hm.

Well, uh... what did he do?

Make fun of her?

Helped her wax her moustache.

She has a moustache?

Not anymore.

Supposedly, the b*tch wanted to

get rid of some unsightly facial hair,

convinced Tony Krakatoa

to help her out.

Now he's wearing two wooden sticks

inside his monkey motherfucking ass.

Shittin' sawdust.

What's her name again?

Mimi. Why are you so worried

about the b*tch's name?

Monticello asked me to show her

a good time while he's down in Tijuana.

Show her a good time"?

No, not like that.

Oh.

Show her a good time.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Not like that either.

Just take her out for some coffee,

keep her from getting bored.

MAN:
Whoo-hoo!

Three's my lucky number, baby.

WOMAN:
Nicky.

(NICKY GRUNTS)

(BED SPRINGS CREAK)

(NICKY LAUGHS)

(SQUELCH)

Sounds like we caught somebody

with their pants down.

WOMAN:
Who is it'?

Exterminator.

Did you call the...

Come on, you two honeymooners.

Open up. You're standing in the path

of the workin' man.

(OMINOUS CHORD)

Holy sh*t.

JULIUS:
Stay cool, Jimmy.

We could hear you. You don't need

to be braying like a mule.

You just caught me and Nicky here

in the middle of some

real important business.

Ain't that right, baby?

That's right, baby.

Real important business.

So I guess you'll just have to

come back some other time.

Alrighty. Let's go.

Wait a second, Kato.

So you are... you're asking us

to reschedule?

She ain't askin' you nothin',

spray boy.

I'm telling you.

Now pick up your f***ing bug cans

and get out!

(GUNFIRE)

(SCREAMS)

Mommy!

(SCREAMS)

Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t, no!

Holy sh*t is when

some pissed-off waitress

spills coffee on your lap because

you're acting like a sonofabitch, OK'?

Watchin' two inbred, gun-toting psychos

try to fill you with lead

because you're trying to rectify

an ant problem?!

That's not holy sh*t, my friend.

That's not even holy f***in' sh*t.

You know what that is?

That is a miracle.

A miracle?

That's right, I said a miracle.

We could've been killed up there,

motherf***er.

But you know what, Jimmy'?

I've had it.

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