Plump Fiction

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(MILITARY DRUMMING)

And a handful of people

made a shitload of money.

(GUNFIRE)

..life-affirming...

...motion picture.

('PULP FICTION' THEME PARODY)

I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it.

I love the smell of it.

I even love the sound of it -

cappuccino.

If someone held a gun to my head

and forced me to choose

a celebrity - any celebrity -

whose life I'd have to assume,

I'd choose Al Pacino, because my name

would sound like 'cappuccino'.

I would choose Major Nelson

from 'I Dream of Jeannie'.

Having your own girl in a bottle

would be fun.

Yeah, I bet you'd like that,

wouldn't you, Bumpkin'? Ha-ha!

Your own little pin-up girl,

wearing nothing but harem pants

and a halter top,

popping out of a cookie jar

every time you snapped your fingers.

It wasn't a cookie jar.

It was a fancy bottle with a plug.

A stripper in a bottle.

Can you believe that'?

A freakin' call girl in a bottle.

And this was prime time - 7:30 -

right before 'Laugh-In'.

Yes, master."

Right away, master."

If I was Barbara Eden,

I would have crossed my arms

and blinked Major Nelson

right into a leather sling.

Then we'd see

who would be master.

Where's that f***ing waitress?

What's a sling?

I can't believe

how f***ing stupid you are.

Stupid is as stupid...

Whoa.

You say that stupid line

one more time, I'm gonna execute you

and every other pancake-eating

motherf***er in this place.

Do you hear me?

I'm not eating pancakes.

I said, do you hear me?

Yes, OK, I hear you.

Stupid movie.

Life is just like

a box of chocolates.

Life is just like a box of sh*t.

Ah, but what do I care?

I've just written

the most brilliant, violent script

in the history of cinema.

And somebody's

actually producing it.

Look out, Bumpkin,

my star is on the rise.

If your star is on the rise,

how come they banned you

from the set'?

I'll show them.

I'm gonna get my hands

on my first million bucks

and I'll make my own movie

and screw all of 'em.

Oh, actress...

(SIGHS)

...could you bring me

another double cappuccino?

(READS) I am not an actress.

I am an aspiring filmmaker."

Filmmaker?

WOW!

Why don't we do

a nice, slow tracking shot

of you bringing me...

...another f***ing cappuccino?

That wasn't very nice.

Well, nice doesn't

get you anywhere.

Just ask Barbara Eden.

Oww.

Look what I've been sitting on.

Gimme that.

(MAGICAL MUSIC)

Jesus Christ!

What is it?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Do I have a sign on my back

that says 'Blow smoke up my ass'?

Crispin, sweetheart.

Do I have a sign on my back

that says 'Blow smoke up my ass'?

Did you put another sign

on the director's back?

No, no. There's none

that I'm aware of.

No, I do not have such a sign.

You know why I have no such sign?

Because I don't like having smoke

blown up my f***in' ass!

Now, I got lights, I got cameras,

I got actors, I got a crew,

I even have

a f***ing cappuccino machine!

But there's only one thing I don't

have, Bunny. You know what that is?

A script, Bunny.

I don't have a f***ing script!

The first day of shooting,

I don't have a f***ing script.

Now, listen, unless you want me to

make a movie about a couple of grips

sitting around, jerkin' off

and eating crullers,

you get that script down here pronto!

Yesterday, you f***ing hear me?

And don't you blow smoke

up my ass anymore!

I got enough smoke up my ass

to elect a pope in my f***in' pants!

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Bumpkin, take this to the warehouse

in La Grande, Washington.

OK.

And this time, don't screw up.

It's my last copy.

Treat that script as if your life

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