Onion News Empire Page #5

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Remember, the news isnt about facts.

It's about telling people what to think.

- But how?

- I already wrote you up some copy.

- Why are you helping me?

- Your first day is like riding a roller coaster,

and no one should have to ride a roller coaster alone.

- Watch out.That's a door.

There you go.

- Hello, friend.- Hello, you.

Sorry to interrupt whatever it is you're doing

in this bizarre woodland office, but...

This is Annie, my niece,

and she's a big fan of yours.

But she's--she's blind.

- I totally can't see anything.

- Nothing.

- How tragic,

to be so young yet so blind.

- Yes, it's very sad.

Uh, but, you know,one of her fondest wishes

has always been for you to read to her

from her favorite book.

You would do that,wouldn't you?

- I would love that.

I-I love to read.

Oh, that's my phone.

Hello?

Yes, Hillary Clinton.

Sorry, David.I got to take this.

- It's not a phone.

- Oh.Right.

Stapler.

Yes, well, then.

I would love to read to you,

little blind girl.

Okay.

Once upon a time,

there was a dog

who had a hat on.

And he walked--no, he danced to the store.

- Okay, now, brick the sizzler and riddle the duck deck.

Okay, double deck "z"and Nikki,

get ready to throw to Sam west.

- Are you out of your mind?

I just fired him.

- He's got a good story.I promise.

- Jillian, if this goes bad,

I have to kill you.

I can't fire you.You know too much.

- I understand.

At just $4.99, many are calling

the McDonald's veal meal deal a real steal.

- Go to three.Swabber it.

All right, Sam, you ready?

- Ready.And Jillian?

Thanks.

- Don't thank me just yet.

Going to you in three,two, and swabber.

- Thanks, Nikki.

New information indicates

the bull's milk contamination I reported on earlier

may have actually benefited the community.

Individual productivity is up by 50%,

and the bull's milk is already reducing childhood obesity.

- I can't feel my face!

- And don't forget skateboarding, Sam.

- And scientists are telling us

that bull's milk-infused water

may actually make you an awesome skateboarder.

- And drink.

- Ahh. Tasty.

Sam News, Onion West Network.

- The military has...

- And we're out.

- Oh, my eyes are dancing.

I'm all right!

It feels good!

Ah, namaste, David.

- I don't speak gay.

- I'm just putting the finishing touches

on my spirit animal.

- Yes, well, I'm about to make your spirit animal very sad.

- That's more letters.

That's more letters, then--oh.

Oh, there's that one that looks like the sign Zorro makes.

And, uh, that's it.

What's that?

- Do I have to spell it out for you?

Oh, wait.That wouldn't help.

- I connect with people.

- You don't have to know how to read

to know how to feel.

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