Onion News Empire Page #4

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- Shut up, Courtney.

Wait.

How do you know that?

- I found your diary in your desk.

Then I burnt it.

- How did you even...

What the hell is wrong with you?

- I blame society.

- Listen to me,you little b*tch,

I am going to be a reporter someday, but first,

I'm gonna beat you senseless

with a picture of an ugly man's family!

- Hey!- Whoa.

Having trouble here,francine?

- It's Jillian, Mr. Bryant.

- Oh, right, right.

Say, jory lin,why don't you let me

take this little scamp off your hands?

- Yes, please, thank you.

- Hello, little...Human.

- You smell like an old couch that got medicine spilled on it.

- Listen up,you fleshy little sack

of corn syrup and cheeto grease,

you might be able to push around spineless worms

like jo liran there,

but that's not gonna work on this worm.

I'm a worm with a big-ass spine.

I'm gonna ask you to do something,

and if you don't cooperate,the police are gonna dredge

your bloated body out of the river,

and we're gonna have three days of pundits speculating

as to the motives of your killer.

Do you got that, son?

I feel good!

- Hey, honey.

Your story's all over the place.

That was pretty ballsy.

- Oh, what can I say?I have huge, huge balls.

- West!

Get your buttermilk ass over here!

I've got some churning to do.

I told you to interview a very old man

and talk to him about being very, very old.

- But this is a huge story.

- Bull's milk is our biggest sponsor.

- Whoo-hoo!- Party!

- Haven't you ever seen the brooch

that Helena Zweibel wears all the time?

- But our job is to report the truth.

- This job hasn't got anything to do

with informing people,damn it!

This job is about making people think they're informed

while you're selling them mufflers and reverse mortgages.

- But the old days.Cronkite.

- Cronkite? Jesus, kid!

Cronkite only covered the Watergate scandal

to help sell burglar alarms to liberals.

- I didn't know.- Well, of course you didn't!

That's because youre so naive!

You didn't--

ah! Sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

Heart stopped.It happens.

Sorry.Where was I?

Oh, yeah.You're hired.

- Really?- No, I misspoke.

You're fired.Get out of here.

- Sam.

- My father would be rolling over in his grave,

except he can't,'cause that giant twine ball

just crushed him flat as a pancake.

- Hey.

- I guess you'd have to flip him over,

maybe with a spatula.

- Hey.

What ever happened to "never give up"

and freak windstorms?

- I was wrong.

I couldn't handle the big time.

I'll just go back to Indiana,

the worst state in America.

- Look, you made one mistake.

You know who else made one mistake?

My mother.

You know what came from that mistake?

You're looking at her.

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