Obvious Child Page #3

there are some children out there

who don't talk to their parents for months.

- Like, even on the telephone.

- Really? Really?

Not my child.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

You're an aberration.

You're all wrong.

You're the weird one.

You're so pretty.

Now just hold up, just for a second.

- Are you proud of me?

- I'm very proud of you.

You know, an ex-student of mine

started a temp agency.

They specialize in placing people

in the entertainment world.

Pass the duck sauce.

You're about to lose your income.

You don't seem the least bit concerned.

I'm terrified, Mom.

Believe me, I very much am.

But I'm not going to work

for one of your business school students.

You're almost 30 years old.

You still don't know how to do your taxes.

I'm a couple of years away from 30,

and nobody knows how to do their taxes.

Have you spoken to your agent

about booking any commercial work?

You know, I haven't, because recently,

she put her entire body into her oven.

You're never serious.

I will use TurboTax this year, okay?

Hand me the plate.

Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but

I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now.

I know you're going through

some pain right now,

but you're always gonna be

going through something.

I haven't borrowed money from you

in months.

And I just did that commercial

for the organic douche,

which is gonna be a real boon to my image.

Well, I'm glad you did the douche job.

The douche paid well.

Definitely, stop saying "douche."

There are other things in your life you could

afford to be a little more selective about.

Your next beau, for example.

I'll never forget that brunch

when he told us his SAT scores.

Mom, really, a lot of people

aren't good test-takers.

You were.

And now you waste that 780 verbal

on telling jokes

about having diarrhea in your pants.

F*** it.

I'll take three more sips,

and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go.

I'll take two more sips, actually.

And if the lady in the tan jacket

crosses the street on the second sip,

then that means that I should go home.

Motherf***er.

What are you doing? What am I doing?

Just go home to your house.

F***!

They have a f***ing dog.

What were you doing?

Just out doing some light stalking.

No!

What is wrong with me?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.

How did I not know?

Those two are sociopaths.

This is my fault.

I never should have talked about

our relationship in my act.

No, f*** that noise.

You know what is so great about you?

I'm good at folding the laundry?

No, sweetie,

you're terrible at folding the laundry.

What is so great about you is that

you are unapologetically yourself

on that stage every time,

and that's why people love you.

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