I used to hide
what my vagina did to my underpants.
And, by the way, what all vagina's
do to all underpants, okay?
There is no woman who ends her day
with, like, a clean pair of underpants
that look like they've ever
even come from a store, okay?
They look like little bags
that have fallen face down
in, like, a tub of cream cheese,
and then, like,
commando-crawled their way out.
And then, like, carabinered up,
like, into a crotch.
Like, they're not items
that are for anyone to see.
But now, I'm just like, "Whatever."
You know, I have a human vagina.
Okay, who here just saw my face
and thought that they were
Who thought that?
Who stared at my face
But the menorah, like, had me.
You know what I mean?
You know, like when two lesbians
have a baby,
and everyone's like, "They did it!"
And they're like,
"But it's really Karen's."
"it's gonna be husky."
You guys are like,
"You're a horrible woman."
But let me tell you, I agree. I agree.
I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life.
I have a boyfriend.
Yeah, he's cool.
He's got a, you know, working dick.
Yeah, he's a human male.
I'll put it that way.
when I need to.
Literally, only when I need to.
Like, it's not that I don't like doing it.
It's just that, after a while,
it just becomes a step towards,
until your worries can go away,
and you can pass out for eight hours.
That's sort of where we're at.
Functional. Functional, you know.
We've worked out all the kinks.
Man, I think I just heard
his heart stop beating.
my butthole was so scared,
you know, that it might, like,
lose the chance at romance,
that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down,"
and it was like...
But then when he would, like,
leave my apartment, I would be like,
and pretend to be so confident
in everything that just happened.
Even though I was like,
"Was that cool when I did that?
Was that cool when I did that?"
until he came back.
I would just shut the door and, like, stand
there for a minute and then just be like...
"No, no, no. Don't you be your old self."
And then it would be like,
"But it feels so good. I gotta..."
That's my butthole's voice.
"I gotta be me!"
"I gotta be me!"
And then it would just be like...
That's me walking up my stairs.
Anyone need a barf bag?
- Hi, sweetie.
- How's it going?
Am I having a stroke,
or does this soap smell like popcorn?
- You're not having a stroke.
It just smells like your hand, you know.
and I know that
you don't like leaving the radius,
one, two, one million more drinks.
Yeah, I don't think I can go.
Okay. Do you wanna just go home,
Things have been kind of fucked up
between us lately, you know?
And then you go,
and you talk about it up there.
- 'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well,
because I ate street meat
from the cart at work.
And also, you just said you didn't do
I've been sleeping with Kate.
You know, we can't lie to you anymore.
You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No.
I wanted to tell you sooner.
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"Obvious Child" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 20 Feb. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/obvious_child_15071>.