Noises Off... Page #5

- Call the police.

Door's finished? Get the gear on.

I'm sorry, my precious.

No, it's my fault, my love.

- I cast him.

- Give him one last chance, I said.

What could I do? We did summer

stock together when I was a kid.

It's my fault.

I should never have left you.

This tour isn't just for her.

This is her life savings.

- We know that.

- I'm not out to make my fortune.

- Of course not.

- We know that.

- I just wanted to put something away.

- We know.

Something to buy a little house.

Jesus, that's not so much to ask.

- Don't blame yourself.

- Sorry?

- I won't let you cry.

- I've got something behind my lens.

You couldn't expect Brooke

to keep an eye on anything.

He was standing right there

in the orchestra, I saw him.

Who are we talking about now?

It's all right,

we know you can't see anything.

Do you mean Selsdon?

I'm not blind, I can see Selsdon.

- He's been here all the time.

- Standing there like Hamlet's father.

You really surprised us.

We thought you were...

- Not there.

- Where have you been?

- Are you all right?

- Speak to us.

Is it a party?

Is it a party?

Is it? How killing. I got it into my head

there was going to be a rehearsal.

I was having a little postprandial snooze

at the side of the stall,

so to be ready for the rehearsal.

- Isn't he lovely?

- Much lovelier now that we can see him.

- What are we celebrating?

- What are we celebrating?

You look strained.

You're not trying to do too much, are you?

I can't find the gear.

I've looked all through his wardrobe.

Beer? In the wardrobe?

No, Selsdon.

You need a break.

Why don't you sit down quietly upstairs

and do the company payroll?

I'll just do the bananas first.

He has been on his feet for 48 hours.

Don't fall down. We may not be insured.

[crash]

[Selsdon] What's next on the bill?

I thought we might try a spot of rehearsal.

- I won't, thank you.

- You won't?

You all go ahead. I'll just sit and watch.

- This is the beer in the wardrobe?

- No, my dear, he wants us to rehearse.

Yes, but we've got to rehearse, haven't we?

Rehearse, yes, well done.

I knew you'd think of something.

Right, from Belinda

and Freddie's entrance.

What's happened now?

The police.

They found an old man lying unconscious

across the street.

- Thank you.

- They say he's very dirty and smelly.

I thought, "Oh, my God"

because when you get close to Selsdon...

No, I mean, if you stand

anywhere near Selsdon,

you can't help noticing

this very distinctive...

I'll tell you something, once you get it

in your nostrils, you never forget it.

Sixty years now, and the smell

of the theater still haunts me.

Bless him.

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