New In Town Page #4

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On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.

[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]

Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.

[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]

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