New In Town

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(Start)

[funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan]

(singing) ♬ New in town,

[John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers]

♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town…

[John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt]

♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt,

[John is in an office setting and comically drops an armful of rolled papers]

♬ He’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no!

[Switches to shot of a newspaper that reads “John Mulaney is a Great Architect” and John does an “all right!” motion with his fist”]

♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends!

[A black man carrying a small Asian man walk into the shot. Yellow serifed lettering reads “WITH “POUNDCAKE” WALKER & MICHAEL ITZOFF”]

[John exasperatedly rolls his eyes, puffs his cheeks, and lowers his arms in front of him]

♬ Ooh, new in town, John Mulaney’s New In Town!

[Pans in to a New York apartment building]

(low narrator voice) New In Town was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[Fades into the actual stage and the crowd is cheering while upbeat music plays]

[John walks on stage with a cartoonish grin and picks up his microphone with a flourish]

Hi! Hi! Hello!

[crowd continues to cheer]

Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you.

[cheering fades away]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.

[light audience laughter]

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture]

[audience laughs]

I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[audience laughter]

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up]

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs]

[John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking]

[audience laughs]

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!”

[audience laughs and John nods curtly]

That’s pure mom.

[a little more audience laughter]

My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t.

[quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”

[audience laughs]

But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs]

He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.”

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