My Beautiful Broken Brain Page #5

but it's an acquired new world

at the same time.

It's very difficult

for anybody to understand,

for her friends and for anybody

around her, because--

She says it herself,

she said the other day, she said,

"I feel like a baby,

but, you know, I'm a grown-up,

and it's the two things at the same time.

You know, I need to nurture my body

and I need to have a rhythm in the day.

And, you know, just like a child.

Otherwise, I can't function at all."

On the other hand, you know,

everything's there already. Um...

It's very, very difficult to understand.

[Lotje] I can keep thoughts and ideas

and thought process...

[stammering]

...that are partially finished

and partially need to keep going,

but they disappear.

So, when I can start to be able to write,

I thought, "Instead of having them

disappear into thin air,

which is horrible,

I'll try to write them."

Vi... No.

Va...

[Lotje chuckles] The problem is,

of course, is that I can't spell, so...

I don't know if that's the real word.

[voice echoing] Isola...

Isolation...

I dream mixed up dreams of the stroke.

The clock strikes.

The stroke of the clock.

And then, creepy mice.

Your dreams have a real new kind of

realness to them,

but before, they were just strange.

And you kind of

get confused between, um...

what's real and what's in your head.

Keep looking at my eye.

I'm going to bring this little target in

from the outside.

Just say "yes" when you see it

coming into view.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now. Now. Now.

All right.

You see how much better

the field is on this side

compared to this side.

-[echoing] When you had your injury...

-[Lotje] Yeah.

...then that affected just one part...

[distorting, echoing]

...on the same part of space in each eye.

-Okay.

-Okay?

[indistinct echoing]

Okay.

I'm sort of looking around

to who this person's talking to.

I don't know who they're referring...

what, who they're referring to.

And I don't know, um...

how to respond to what they're saying.

It'll take half an hour to work.

[Sophie] I wanted to ask you

why you wanted to film this.

Why did you get in touch with me?

A lot of people in your situation would

just be thinking about their recovery.

I'm rec-- I'm obsessed

with recording everything

and I'm unable to remember anything.

So, it's like...

I think it's part of the brain

has become unable to...

um...

remember things.

You've become obsessed

with recording it...

-Mmm.

-...'cause you're just terrified

-that it's gonna get lost.

-Mmm.

[Lotje] In order to, uh, make sense of it,

I want to record it.

There is a hilariously, kind of,

surreal reality to it.

It's surreal-it's surreal.

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