Must Love Dogs Page #4

Internet ads? Come on, | I want Zhivago's Internet ad:

"Tragic doctor/poet | in desperate pain seeks...

...like-minded playmate | for long snowshoe across Eurasia."

What do you bet he gets | a hundred responses?

We'll start with bisexual | Asian women who fly-fish.

- No Internet ads. | - This is for you. I hate to fly-fish.

- No, you don't. | - What about Sherry?

- I gave you her number. You never called. | - Sherry?

Sherry's 24. Her range of interest | extends from kickboxing to Tae Bo.

She slept with half the guys | in my office.

Then why do you want | to set me up with her?

She slept with half the guys | in my office.

She's in her early 20s. You know | the epic narrative I talked about?

Hers would not only be secret, | it would be incoherent.

I wouldn't get past the cover page.

I mean, I'm looking | for something more than Sherry.

"Hopelessly romantic, | young 50s widower...

...seeks lady friend who enjoys | the slow bloom of affection.

Loves dogs, children | and long, meandering bike rides.

I will be carrying | a single yellow rose."

- I gotta meet this guy. | - Where are your boob shirts?

- My what? | - Your boob shirts.

- Don't worry, I brought some of mine. | - Oh, boob shirts.

- I can't wear that. | - Okay, I have some dating tips for you.

I got them from "Sports Illustrated". | Solid gold.

Yes, that's always been my bible | for personal relationships.

At least listen to the tips.

- Your sister has gone to a lot of trouble. | - Okay.

"One, maintain eye contact.

But be sure it isn't too intense. | You aren't a hawk eyeing its prey."

Good that you told me. | I might have done my hawk thing.

"Two, men respond sexually when | they think women are excited by them."

- Really? | - "The more you like what you see...

...the more your pupils | will open wide to take it all in."

Open your pupils.

Oh, my God.

- I'm dating again. I can't do this! | - It's okay. Come on.

- No, you'll be fine, it's okay. | - It'll be fun.

What if he wants to have sex? | What if I want to?

You don't understand. It's been | a long time, Christine. I could freak out.

What if I can't control myself?

You're meeting for muffins | in a public place. I think you'll be safe.

- Dad? | - Sarah.

My darling girl.

Darling, don't you put | the sunshine to shame.

What are you doing here?

That's a fine how-do-you-do | from one of my favorite daughters.

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm meeting a... | Why do you have a yellow...?

- Is that a rose? | - It is a rose, if the truth be told.

But by any other name...

- And it's for a lady friend, isn't it? | - That is, in fact, the very purpose.

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