Must Love Dogs

The best place to meet a guy | is the supermarket.

You see a guy holding a list, | you know he's married.

He's in the frozen-food section | carrying a small basket, he's single.

I hang out by fruits and vegetables. | Better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.

Probably the best place | is Home Depot or any hardware store.

You just walk up | to the cutest guy and say:

"Do you know where I can get nailed? | I mean, nails?

Pardon me, | I've been drinking all afternoon."

And that way he knows, | one, that you're easy...

...and two, that you like to drink.

I thought a great place to meet girls would | be night school where they teach English.

Because these girls | would be from foreign lands...

...and maybe still a little disoriented | from the journey...

...and I would look attractive | because I speak English very goodly.

But in the end, | it did not work out as I had hoped.

I mean, basically, I was told to | take a hike in 14 languages.

Where do you meet people? | I don't know, they're everywhere.

Why, is there a problem?

No. No way, | I'm not going out with this guy.

Just call him. Say hello. | He's in my book club.

- Why is there a woman here? | - It's his wife.

They're separated, but he didn't want | to Photoshop her out...

...if you're not interested. | They are in Hawaii.

It's the Four Seasons. | This could be you in the photograph.

Aloha.

- Well, if you change your mind. | - I've got a picture too.

Is that why you're all here? | The whole family?

- Everyone has a picture for me? | - This is an intervention, Sarah.

- He's great. | - A beautiful girl like you can't just give up.

There's life after divorce.

You were married to the same woman | for 45 years, Dad.

- What do you know about divorce? | - Precious little, I admit.

The black specter of two lives | torn asunder.

Not helping, Dad.

I wish your mother were here, | God rest her soul.

- She'd know what to say. | - "Put on another pot of tea."

That's what she'd say. | The Irish answer to all problems.

- Well, it worked most of the time. | - Who is this?

I have no idea, but if you're interested, | I'll Google him.

Is this it for food in this house, | like, eight crackers?

And what are these? | Are these bananas?

- I think they were at one time. | - I'll take one.

- I guess I forgot to shop this month. | - What are you gonna do, sis?

- I mean, really, it's been eight months. | - Dad's giving-up idea sounds intriguing.

I could become the crazy aunt | who moves in down in the basement.

Put a cot in for me, some herbal teas. | I'd like to get a dog, if that's okay?

Marc, don't you have | a friend for Sarah?

"A Friend for Sarah." I'm now an episode | of "Little House on the Prairie".

- Come on, you must know somebody. | - Not really.

But if you want to have an affair, | I do know a couple of married guys.

- We'll let that be our fallback, okay? | - Okay.

- An affair, that's a terrific idea. | - My husband to the rescue.

Don't cover mine.

I think affairs should go | on the other side.

Yeah.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Charlie.

Divorce is final.

You're a free man.

I don't know if... is the | appropriate sentiment. Four years...

...woman I loved, I got my ass kicked. | - High-five.

Not that kind of moment either.

- Down low? | - Just because I want this to stop.

You are officially the worst client | I've ever had.

- Thank you. | - Let Lisa have everything.

Even the judge wanted you to keep | those boxing gloves.

- She really liked you. | - I liked her too, as far as judges go.

No. I mean, really.

Wow, that's a good-looking Cougar.

Excellent stuff. You think she'd like | to buy a handmade, stainable teak boat?

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