Mr 3000 Page #3

Thank you, David.

Thank you so much. First of all,

I want to thank you, Mr Schembri,

and the entire

Milwaukee Brewers organisation.

And to my main man,

my best friend, Boca Carter.

And to you, Old Donkey.

- Big Horse.

- Whatever.

But most of all,

I want to thank you all - the fans.

You were always there for me.

And I know for a fact, if it was up to you,

I'd have been in the Hall of Fame

a long time ago.

But unfortunately,

it's up to a bunch of sportswriters.

Some metalhead half-asses.

How the hell do you bat 3,000 and not

be selected into the Hall of Fame?

What type of bullshit is that?

Let me tell you something. You all

believed in me when I was at my best.

You all believed in me

when I was at my worst.

You, the fans.

That's why I know for a fact

I can depend on you all to bring me,

Stan Ross, to Cooperstown.

- I can hear you say "Stan."

- Stan.

- Say "Stan Ross."

- Stan Ross.

"Stan Ross."

Stan Ross.

- "He's the Boss."

- He's the Boss.

- Say "Hall of Fame."

- Hall of Fame.

- "It's a damn shame."

- It's a damn shame.

Over here, say, "Hell, yeah."

Hell, yeah.

- Say, "Hell, yeah."

- Hell, yeah.

- Say, "You're the man."

- You're the man.

- Let me hear it again.

- You're the man.

- They love me.

- You're the man.

You're the man. You're the man.

- You got a minute?

- Hang on. What?

You know how when we think

somebody's gonna be voted in,

we run the numbers? Every one of

the wins, every home run, every hit?

- Yeah.

- We were running that for Stan Ross.

A list of every one of his 3,000 hits.

- There's an error.

- One of the hits was an error?

No, all the hits were hits.

There just aren't 3,000 of them.

OK. Start over.

OK, there was a game in May 1982

that was called for curfew.

When they finished in August,

the hits were recorded twice -

once in May, once in August.

Stan Ross had three hits in that game.

That means that

three of the hits don't count.

- So you're telling me...

- Stan Ross, Mr 3000,

- has only 2,997 hits.

- 2,997 hits.

As Giaco tried to escape

across the rope bridge,

he realised that he was trapped

by both sides,

by the dreaded, evil boars.

Giaco knew his only hope

was to do the unthinkable,

and that was to jump far, far below,

into the raging, raging river.

Hold on, kids.

Hello?

Hey, man, the press is eating it up.

What happened to Giaco?

- What happened to Giaco?

- What?

- What happened to Giaco?

- What happened, man?

Shut up.

I can't believe he said that.

2,997? Man, that's bullshit.

Mr Ross. Please, the children.

To hell with the doggone kids.

Giaco's dead.

The Hall of Fame vote is in,

and Stan Ross is not.

The always-controversial ex-Brewer

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