Mindhorn Page #3

-to older, still very handsome but not...

-Yes, yes.

What's happening with my autobiography?

Are there any takers, any bites?

[over comm] Very quiet time

for actors' autobiographies.

Is it really? It's not very quiet

for Peter Easterman, is it?

No, I don't think so. Volume three?

What's this one called?

What I Did Yesterday?

Windjammer's on its 16th season.

-Season.

-He's built a franchise.

He's even got his own range

of weatherproof clothing.

I did not get into this business

to sell cagoules.

You've gotta sell something, darling.

Sell this. Hmm?

This is a map of human emotion. Sell it.

Nobody can, darling.

You haven't got profile.

That's why you made me do

the Thrombi-Sox ads.

You said it would give me profile.

Thank God for Thrombi-Sox.

And that is not a sentence

I thought I'd ever utter.

Well, about Thrombi-Sox...

-What?

-They've gone in a different direction.

-[Richard] John f***ing Nettles?

-[chuckles]

Well, you told the director

he was an embryo.

[Richard] He was-- He's about 12.

Sit down and calm down, come on.

All is not lost.

I had a very interesting offer for you.

An offer?

From the police.

-What do you mean?

-They want you to talk to a suspect

and see if you can lure him into custody.

What? So, this is a voiceover

or something?

Yeah, a bit like a voiceover.

-He thinks Mindhorn is a real detective.

-[Richard] What?

Mindhorn, that was it.

You were wonderful in that.

That was your Amadeus.

Well, I mean, Amadeus was my Amadeus.

[Richard] Yeah, f*** off, Callow.

This is a private conversation

between me and my agent.

Just calm down. Sit down.

-I don't wanna sit down.

-Stand up, but calm down.

I'll sit down.

Sit down, then.

Okay, so, let's focus

on this Mindhorn thing.

I was bloody good in Mindhorn.

You'll be even better now.

You've matured like a fine wine.

-A man could get drunk on that wine.

-Great.

So, you go to the Isle of Man,

you take the call...

Sorry. Where?

The Isle of Man.

Uh, no. This isn't gonna work for me.

I do not go backwards.

-My career, I move forwards. Like a shark.

-Like a shark, yes.

But maybe going backwards

is the new going forwards.

Why don't you hook up with the old gang?

Jeffrey Moncrief has got

his own PR firm now.

Jeffrey Moncrief?

He went off the rails, I'm afraid.

Looks kosher to me.

You need all the publicity

you can get from this.

What about Pat Deville, your old flame?

Works for Manx TV now.

Profile, Richard.

Imagine, TV cop helps real cops

solve crime?

It's PR gold. You'd be a hero.

Do the interviews, get in the newspapers,

remind people who you are

and, bang, you're back on the map.

Just play Mindhorn one last time.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes