Mary And Max Page #6

the bits with milk and icecream

and now I am drinking it right now.

After much thought, I think I have

a solution to your teasing.

Tell Bernie Clifford

your birthmark is made of chocolate,

which means when you get to heaven

you will be in charge

of all the chocolate.

This of course is a lie

I do not like lies

but in this case

I think it will be of benefit.

I wish I could be in charge

of all the chocolate

but, of course, I cannot

because of my atheism.

My neighbour lvy is also an atheist.

She doesn't talk much but makes me

very good soup on Sunday nights.

She is partly blind

and sometimes I find her hair

in my soup. Eeugh!

I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof

says this would be impolite.

Here is a list of what I eat

on the other nights.

Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,

Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,

Wednesdays -

Captain Salty's Fishstix,

Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz

and Fridays - chicken nuggets.

On Saturday nights

I create my own recipes.

Last week I invented

canned spaghetti hamburgers.

Recipes are like

mathematical equations.

Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should

never weigh more than your refrigerator

and to never eat

anything bigger than your head.

I once ate a watermelon

bigger than my head

but not all at once.

Do you have

any weight loss suggestions?

My Overeaters Anonymous meetings

don't seem to be working

and just make me tense.

It would be good

if there was a "Fat Fairy".

She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy

but would suck out your fat.

Ivy says she is only a "little bit" blind

but I think she is very blind.

She should get a cane

like other vision-impaired people.

She could make the end pointy

and collect rubbish at the same time.

I think I will write a letter to the Mayor

and suggest this.

He will be very impressed.

Ivy says she doesn't need a cane

because she has a good sense of smell.

She says she could find me

with her eyes stapled shut.

She says I smell like liquorice

and old books.

I think she smells like cough medicine

and urine.

I have never told her this

as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said

this would also be impolite.

People often think

I am tactless and rude.

I cannot understand how

being honest can be...improper.

Maybe this is why

I don't have any friends

of course except for you.

A real friend has been

one of my three goals in life.

The other two are to own every Noblet

and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Dr Bernard Hazelhof says

it is good to have goals

but not stupid ones like mine.

I have now run out of things to tell you.

Please, write soon.

Your friend in America,

Max Jerry Horowitz.

PS. Do not worry about not smiling.

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