Mary And Max

Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour

of muddy puddles.

Her birthmark, the colour of poo.

(Dogs bark)

It was Saturday afternoon

and she was bored.

Mary wished she had a friend

to play piggybacks with.

Mary's mood ring, which she'd found

in a cereal box, was grey

which, according to the chart,

meant she was either pensive,

unconsciously ambitious or hungry.

Her only friends were 'The Noblets'

from her favourite cartoon.

They weren't the real ones

you bought in the shops

but fake ones she had to make herself

from shells, gumnuts, pompoms

and the chicken bones salvaged

from Friday night's takeaway.

She had to make all her own toys,

and her favourites were Shrinkies

potato chip packets that

she had shrunk in the oven.

Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,

worked in a factory,

attaching the strings to tea bags.

At show and tell, she told the class

he could get as many free tea bags

as he wanted.

Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.

She loved saying "Earl Grey"

and would like one day to marry

someone called Earl Grey.

They would live

in a castle in Scotland,

have 9 babies, 2 ducks...

..and a dog called Kevin.

Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed

and drink Baileys lrish Cream

and stuff birds he'd found

on the side of the freeway.

Mary wished he'd spend more time

with her and less with his dead friends.

She also wished she had

some brothers and sisters.

Her mother had told her

she was "an accident".

How could someone be an accident?

Grandpoppy Ralph had told her

that babies were deliberate

and found by dads

at the bottom of their beer.

Grandpoppy Ralph

had smelt like pickled onions

and had been a member of the Frankston

lce Breakers for 51 years.

Aaagh! Aaaaaghhh!

They swam in winter to feel alive.

Grandpoppy Ralph had said

it made his nipples erect.

He had died the year before, aged 74,

and his best mate, Ken,

had recited a poem in his honour.

Born in a barn

in the hills of Boronia,

Ralph lived a long life,

then died of pneumonia.

Mary missed him

and often wondered

why he had drunk ammonia.

A lot of things puzzled Mary

especially her mother,

Vera Lorraine Dinkle.

To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.

A pretty vicious ball.

And he's out!

Vera liked listening

to the cricket while baking

and her main ingredient

was always sherry.

She told Mary it was a type of tea

for grown-ups

that needed constant testing.

Just out of the reach

of the lead. 6/96 England.

Mary thought her mother tested

the sherry...way too much.

Mary also couldn't understand

why Vera was always "borrowing".

Yesterday, she borrowed

some fish fingers from Aisle 6.

She told Mary she put things

up her dress to save on plastic bags.

Vera was indeed a complicated soul.

Oooh!

Mary stopped daydreaming

and went and fetched

her pet rooster from the rain.

Her father had found the rooster

on the side of the freeway

after it had fallen off the back

of a slaughter truck.

She named him Ethel.

It was time to watch "The Noblets".

She adored "The Noblets"

because everyone was brown,

lived in a teapot

and had oodles of friends.

There was nothing nicer,

Mary thought to herself,

than the smell of a wet rooster...

..the sound of rain on the roof

and the taste of sweetened

condensed milk straight from the can

while watching your favourite cartoon.

Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz

also watched "The Noblets".

Max's small television

had picture but no sound.

His big television, sound but no picture.

He was 44 and liked "The Noblets"

as they lived in a delineated

and articulated social structure

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