Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #4
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2013
- 58 min
- 426 Views
they'll be like,
"well, all right,"
like it's not even--
It's--
Like, as soon as you're 50,
you're a candidate.
You know, there's
no candlelight vigils
For 50-year-old guys that die,
And you start pushing--
You know, some people get to be
like, 80s, 90s.
You know, there are people
that get to, like, 114,
And then they're in the news,
and it's always some old guy,
"I met napoleon."
No, you didn't, you liar,
You oldest liar in the world.
But 45, you know,
you're not old yet,
Where you kind of start getting
what old is,
Especially if you didn't
take care of yourself, you know?
I have moments where I'm like,
"wow, this seems early
for this."
Like, this is something
that happens to me a lot.
or doing nothing,
And all of a sudden,
I'll realize,
"I need to wipe my ass
right now."
"I mean, nothing happened,
But I really gotta
wipe my ass right now.
Right now."
Gotta make trips to the bathroom
just to wipe my ass.
How does this happen already?
I'm 45.
Already, my a**hole's just like,
"Just-- "
My a**hole--
My a**hole's like the waistband
on old pajama bottoms,
Just kinda...
Loose and ineffectual.
My a**hole's like a bag
of leaves that nobody tied up.
It's just sitting on the lawn,
full and open,
Puking leaves onto the grass
with every wisp of wind.
Some kid kicks it over
on his way home
From a tough day
at middle school.
"rats."
That's a pretty accurate
description of my a**hole.
Here's another thing
about my age right now.
If I'm--
ok. Say I'm sitting down.
If I'm sitting anywhere,
which--ha ha ha!--
I love sitting so much--
I would take sitting
and doing nothing
To standing and f***ing any day.
This is way better than coming.
This is way better.
This is what--
At my age, if I'm sitting down
I need to get up
and go to another room,
I need to be told
all the information why first.
You gotta explain
all that sh*t to me.
"what? Why do I--
no. Why, though?"
"your car is being towed
right now!"
"well, that's what happens
to me, then. That's--
I accept that."
'cause getting up
is a whole thing.
It means first,
I have to decide,
"do I really want
to be alive anymore?"
Like, let's start with that,
And then I gotta, "" start
kind of rocking to get momentum,
"" like I'm trying to get
an old honda out of a snow bank.
"sh*t."
The worst part of my day,
worst part of every day
Of my life, is when
I have to put on my socks.
Putting on my socks
is the worst part
Of every day,
and it always will be.
Even if I have a terrible day
in the future
Where my grandmother is murdered
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Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"Louis C.K. : Oh My God" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 7 May 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/louis_c.k._:_oh_my_god_12885>.
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