
Louis C.K. : Oh My God
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2013
- 58 min
- 207 Views
Fade the music out.
Let's roll.
Hold there.
Lights.
Do the lights.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
I don't necessarily agree with
you, but I appreciate very much.
Well, this is a nice place.
This is easily the nicest place
For many miles
in every direction.
That's how you
compliment a building
And shit on a town
with one sentence.
It is odd around here,
as I was driving here.
There doesn't seem to be
any difference
Between the sidewalk and
the street for pedestrians here.
People just kind of walk
in the middle of the road.
I love traveling
And seeing all the different
parts of the country.
I live in new york.
I live in a--
There's no value
to your doing that at all.
I live--
I live in new york.
I always--
Like, there's this old lady
in my neighborhood,
And she's always
walking her dog.
She's always just--
she's very old.
She just stands there
just being old,
And the dog just fights gravity
every day, just--
The two of them, it's really--
The dog's got a cloudy eye,
and she's got a cloudy eye,
And they just stand there
looking at the street
In two dimensions together,
and--
And she's always wearing, like,
this old sweater dress.
I guess it was a sweater
when she was, like, 5'10",
But now it's just,
like, this sweater
And her legs are--
her legs are a nightmare.
They're just white with green
streaks and bones sticking out.
Her legs are awful.
I saw a guy with no legs
wheeling by,
And he was like,
"yecch, no thank you.
"I do not want those.
"I'd rather just have air
down here like I have
Than to look down at that shit."
I see these two all the time,
and I always look at them,
And I always think,
"god, I hope she dies first."
I do.
I hope she dies first,
for her sake,
Because I don't want her
to lose the dog.
I don't think she'll
be able to handle it.
If she dies--
If the old lady dies first,
Because the dog doesn't even
know about the old lady.
This dog is aware of
He's living
in two-second increments.
The second he's in
and the one he just left
Is all he knows about,
But if he dies, this lady,
she's gonna be destroyed
Because this dog is all she has,
And I know he's all she has
because she has him.
There's no--
If she had one person
in her life,
She would not keep
this piece of shit little dog.
Even if just some young woman
in her building one morning
Were to say,
"good morning, gladys,"
She'd be like, "good,"
And just flush him
down the toilet, just--
Poom! Poom!
The dog just keeps
bumping on the drain.
Poom!
"" she gives up.
Ends up just shitting on her dog
for the rest of her life.
P-p-p!
Poom!
You ever flush a pet
down the toilet?
I had to flush my daughter's
fish down the toilet.
I came home, the fish was dead.
She wasn't home from school yet,
so I just flushed the fish,
And that's a weird moment, too,
'cause fish live in water.
So you put it in the toilet,
floats to the bottom,
Like, "yeah, he's dead,"
And then you flush,
and it looks like he goes,
"wait a second! Aw, shit!
"I was taking a nap! Jesus!
"you gotta be in constant motion
To get any respect
in this house."
And then my daughter comes home.
"why did he die, da--"
Come on. What am I gonna say?
Why did he die?
Because who gives a shit?
That's the reason.
That's the actual reason,
is because didn't matter
That he was alive.
That's why he's dead.
He didn't know his name,
and he didn't love you back.
These are the facts
about that fish's life.
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"Louis C.K. : Oh My God" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 1 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/louis_c.k._:_oh_my_god_12885>.