Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #7

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out of the f***ing ground?"

"Because I wanted to go faster."

"I'm not fast enough."

"And I was cold."

"What the f*** do you mean, 'cold'?"

"I gave you everything you

needed, you piece of sh*t."

"Well, because jobs, and I wanted--"

"What is a job? Explain to me,

what's a f***ing job?"

"Well, like you work at a

place and people call

when their game doesn't work

and you help them figure it out."

"What do you do that for?"

"For money."

"What do you need money for?"

"Food."

"Just eat the sh*t on the floor."

"I left sh*t all over the floor."

"F***ing corn and wheat and sh*t.

Grind it up, make some bread.

What are you doing?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't have,

like, bacon around it."

"And like-- I like when it

has bacon on it."

I watched somebody do that the

other day after a meal they went,

"Oh, it was just--"

And I started wondering,

what does that mean?

What does that signify?

I think what it means is that you

ate something so delicious

that you then kissed

somebody on the a**hole

and their a**hole exploded.

That's some good eating.

That's a nice sauce.

"Is that good?"

"Yeah, let me show you."

"Sh*t. Let me have some of that."

That just destroyed my anus.

Anyway, I got kids and

that's sort of what I'm trying to say.

It's hard having kids

because it's boring.

That really is the hardest

part of having kids.

Ask any parent, What's the hard part?

Is it looking after their health care?

Is it making sure that their education--

No, it's being with them on the floor

while they be children.

It's just--

They read Clifford the

Big Red Dog to you

at a rate of 50 minutes a page.

And you have to sit there

and be horribly proud and bored

at the same time.

I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog.

I hate him.

There's 50 books about

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Fifty books.

There's seven books about Narnia

that cover the birth and death of a nation

and mice with swords

and a lion who's a god.

They did it in seven books.

Fifty books about

Clifford the Big Red Dog,

and they all tell the exact same story.

Look how big this dog is.

That's it.

Look how big this dog is.

That's the whole book.

Here's how big he was at the firehouse.

Here's how big he was at Thanksgiving.

Who gives a sh*t?

You just drew him big.

You just, on purpose, made

him bigger than people.

It should be, "Look how big

I drew the dog in this book."

"Isn't that a mistake?"

There's no story.

You maybe even just drew him

closer to the page. I don't even

know if you did it honestly.

Tell a story about Clifford.

Make something happen, where

maybe he steps on a policeman

and shatters his spine and it's

devastating to the community.

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