Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater

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[indistinct chatter]

-- Louis!

-- Louis!

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering]

Alright, let's get started.

Go ahead, sit down.

Okay, yes, sit down,

we're just starting.

There's no opening act.

F*ck it. Just, let's start.

Let's just start.

Get your seats.

Get your beers and everybody

go ahead, sit down.

Kill the house lights.

Let's just start.

Let's just start a show.

There's no point in

screwing around.

I'll do all the anouncements

that you would have heard.

Please turn off your cell phones.

You can take pictures but

turn off the flash.

That's stupid,

because it's not--

You know when you're watching the

World Series and there's all that--

Like your flash is lighting

Yankee Stadium.

Just leave your flash off.

Don't yell out during the show.

If you have something you

want to say to me...

This is what we do.

We write it down

and then you go

outside in the lobby

and then you go home and

you kill yourself

because, that's selfish.

This is a rhetorical performance.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Don't text or twitter during

the show. Just live your life.

Don't keep telling people

what you're doing.

Just, because also--

also--

it lights up your big

dumb face. It lights it up.

I see this beautiful see of

darkness and then just one guy.

So, don't do that.

What else? No jews,

I think they said that earlier.

They told me I have to say it.

Jews aren't allowed.

If you're jewish this

is a good time to go.

If you see somebody kind of Jewey

looking then please tell an usher

and they will--

Sir, come on.

Let's go. Come on.

Yes, let's go.

But, I'm really glad you're here.

This is a sizeable crowd.

This is a big place.

There's about 2500 people

here, and that's--

That's a lot of people.

That's enough people to be

a sample of the population.

you're all going to experience--

There's enough people here to

say that within two months

at least one of you will die.

I'm just saying. I think it's

probably accurate to say

that out of any random

group of 2500 people

not all of you are gonna make

it to Christmas, unfortunately.

There's gonna be--

At least one of you here tonight

is going to ruin your

family's Christmas

by dying a shitty death.

And I don't know

who it is, I'm sorry.

I don't know, your

death is whatever--

Some people, they want you to do

things when they die with their--

"I want you to take my

ashes and sprinkle--"

F*ck you, I'm not doing

none of that shit.

You're dead.

I'm not going to run errands

for you after you're dead.

You don't matter anymore.

Some people try to do something

noble with their bodies.

They try to have their bodies

have some use after they're dead,

which I think is a good thought.

You're only borrowing your body.

You're only borrowing everything.

If you're body's worth anything

when you're done with it

you should pass it on.

That's something I really believe.

I mean, I'm not going

to do it, because

I don't want--eew--it's mine.

I don't want--

I have a lot of beliefs

and I live by none of them.

That's just the way I am.

They're just my beliefs.

I just like believing them.

I like that part.

They're my little believies.

They make me feel good

about who I am.

But if they get in the

way of a thing I want

or I want to jack off or

something, I fucking do that.

But--

But some people take their--

my grandma, uh, grandmother

She--just, uh, for the layman--

My grandmother,

she gave her body to

a medical school

for it just to be

examined and disected,

which is a good thought for that.

But you know her survivors

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