Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #4

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The country's changing.

Waah!

And I don't agree with them.

I think if people are in love,

they should get married.

But they can't-

They can't accept that.

'Cause they're just-You know,

they're just being babies.

Babies are selfish.

They are, babies are selfish.

They just, waah!

No baby ever goes, "Waah,

but how you doing, though?"

I have two daughters and both of

them at one time were babies

and I held them

and they cried on planes.

It's happened to me,

I've had a baby on a plane.

If you're ever-

This is how selfish people are.

When you're on a plane and

you hear a baby crying,

you think that's

happening to you.

You're like, "Ugh, this is

gonna ruin my flight!

It's gonna ruin it!"

Well, look at the parent,

'cause that person is holding

a crying baby on a plane,

which means they've been

traveling with a baby all day,

which means they have

a baby, okay?

So their life isn't even good.

They don't like anything.

Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus!

If there's any joy for them,

it's that this is now

bothering other people.

"Yeah, you listen

to this sh*t now!"

Waah!

I remember one time, my baby

was crying on the plane,

she was really upset,

and this guy,

some businessman on the plane,

'cause businessmen

always think that every flight

is a private plane of theirs

that we're all, like,

piggybacking on.

And this guy has

his f***ing newspaper

and he turns around to look

at me and my baby

and he looks right at me.

He doesn't kinda, like,

go like this.

He looks at me like, hmm?

Like, could you?

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,

is this bothering you?

Let me just..."

You all just clapped

for a dead baby.

You applauded a dead baby.

I have two children.

Uh, nine and 12 years old.

Both girls.

Uh, they're both gay.

Um...

I'm raising 'em gay.

Most people

raise their kids straight,

I'm just gonna raise mine gay.

Maybe they'll do what

they want later, but, uh,

as long as they're in

my house, they're gay.

I tell 'em every day,

you're gay, honey, good night.

Go to bed.

Brush your gay teeth, gay honey.

Don't forget to be gay.

Having children

is a big responsibility

and I've never really done

very well at it.

I've made a lot of mistakes.

Some of them big, some of them

small, you know?

Like, I'm still a person,

I still am an idiot, you know,

still, like, I-

I got high one night,

I got really high, because

I don't do drugs.

I never do drugs, never.

So that when I do...

...they're way more fun.

To me, that's my best advice

about drugs.

If you want to enjoy drugs,

never do them, never.

Because then when you do,

they're actually fun.

'Cause when drugs

are a part of your life,

they're just another pain

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