Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer Page #5

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Huh?

I like those people who,every day, get home from work,

"I'm going to run downand do some cardio."

Get down there.

You know,I get home from work,

"I'm going to lay down.

"I'm going to eat somethingfirst though.

I don't want to get woke upby hunger pains again.

Every time I go to the gym,there's that one person running.

I just wantto say to them,

"You can stop running.

"They won't catch you.

There's food in my car."

Yeah, I always end upon the bike, you know,

with the plank seat.

I have to coverthose things up.

There's too much informationon how far you've gone,

how long you've been on,clicking along.

"You're in Europe,riding on a hill."

"I am not."

And you always thinkyou've been on a long time,

and you haven't.

"I'm just going to see.

"It's got to be 20 minutes,right?

"Nine minutes.

"What is that, Central?

"Well, how many calories?Three calories?

"That means I'm going to haveto spit this piece of candy out.

Well, how far did I go?"

"You are still here."

The first week I worked out,I gained 4 pounds.

It was very discouraging.

I yelledat the trainer.

I go,"I gained 4 pounds."

"Don't worry about it, Louie.This is normal.

We're building your core."

"You're building my core?"

"Well, when do wework on the outer crust?

"This core is plenty strong,hauling this ass around

for [mumbles] years."

"How old are you?"

[mumbles]

I remember whenmy parents turned 50.

We used to stare at them.

"Won't be long now.

I get the rambler."

How old are you, sir?

- 27.

- 27.Get out.

27.27.

When I was 27, I could peefrom my bed into the toilet.

[clears throat]

There was a nice arcon it.

There was a rainbowgoing through it.

That's where that expressioncomes from--

"Pot at the endof the rainbow."

Now I just think I peed.

"Did I pee?

"I don't know.

I better try again."

I think we should justeither be under 50 or over 50.

I don't even think we needthat whole 58, 57, 56.

[cheers and applause]

This is all the peoplethat are that age

are going, "Yeah!

Let's get some torches!"

I turned 50eight years ago.

That's what I sayto people.

"How old are you, Louie?"

"I turned 50 eight years ago."

"What did he say?

What is he, 42?What is he?"

I didn't know the signsback then, you know?

My dad used to--we knew he was getting older,

'cause when he'd sit down,he started to go, "Oh, Lord!"

And he'd get up,"Oh, Jesus!"

He was a very religious man,obviously.

[chuckles]

"Oh, Lord."

Yeah, I remember that.

You have a meat tooth yet?

That's when you knowyou're getting older.

You're just standing there--[sucking on tooth]

"What's wrong?"

[sucks tooth]"Meat tooth."

[continues sucking tooth]

You'd be talkingto the president.

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