Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer Page #3

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that I've been tryingto get rid of for five years.

I have sixof the original rice cakes.

You never--you biteinto that and go, "Ah...

what is that,a styrofoam cup?"

I really wantto be healthy.

Honestly, I do.

I start out--

Like, I'll get upin the morning,

and I'll have oatmeal.

I'll have a banana.

And then around 9:00...

[chuckles]

I go,"Did I eat anything?"

So dry here,isn't it?

It's a good ChapStick place.

Couple hours in this weather,you're ChapStick-ing everything.

"What are you doing?""My cheeks are chapped."

"Well, you're gonna needa bigger stick."

"Could I getthe Butt ChapStick, please?"

Don't you hate this?You're walking down the street.

Your friend goes,"Can I borrow your ChapStick?"

"Can I wearyour underwear?"

It's a nonborrowing item.

You always give it up.

"Keep it."

I have to be healthier now

'cause my doctor'syelling at me about--

They're the ones who are--This is how he talks to me.

[angry parental tone]"Louie."

Got a microphoneand everything.

A show business doctor.

"Louie,I'm worried about you."

"Well,don't charge me then."

No, I had a heart episode.Do you know what that is?

That's what they call it whenyou have really good insurance.

That even--doesn't even sound bad.

"He had a heart episode.No big deal."

I woke upin the middle of the night,

and I go,"Ooh...I didn't eat tacos."

I drove myself to the hospital,you know,

so I could havethat last cigarette.

Well,if you're going to go...

It's a good thingKFC wasn't open.

"Yeah, they found himin the car.

He kicked the bucketholding a bucket."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Well, there was somethingwritten on the window in gravy.

It was either 'sorry'or 'coleslaw'."

I didn't know this.

If you're a fat personand you go to the hospital

and you say "chest pains,"you're in.

"Fat guy, chest pains,come on down."

"What about the guywith no head?"

"We got a bucket of icecoming out for him."

[chuckles]

The nurse takes me in a room,and she goes, "Here, sir.

Put this on."

"On what?"

She puts the, uh,EKG thing on me,

tears it off,you know?

I go,"What does it say?"

"We don't read them."

The doctor comes in.

You're always happy and relievedthe doctor comes in.

Foreign doctor,always thrilled

'cause I knowthey studied.

He goes, "Mr. Anderson,you didn't have a heart attack."

"Oh, so good, could you slidethose cigarettes down here?"

He goes, "But we thinkyou've got some blockage."

"Oh, you know about that?

It's deep-dish."

He said, "We'd like to doan angioplasty on you."

"Oh, no, my breastsare big enough."

I mean, when I heard"angioplasty,"

I'll be honest with you,

I went, "Didn't I have thatat Olive Garden once?

Huh?"

"Could I get the EndlessAngioplasty, please?"

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