Little Evil Page #5

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El Camino Monster Truck,

mounted on top

of some 66-inch Goodyear tires...

with an alcohol fuel injected

turbo engine.

- Preach.

- Yep.

And now that I got one,

I got a stepkid,

and all he wants to do

is watch Pitch Perfect.

Pitch Perfect One,

Pitch Perfect Two, Pitch Perfect Three.

- Sh*t.

- Yeah.

"Jam" me man. Let's put on some Rush.

Put your hand on a speaker, your hand

on your heart, see if you feel something.

I said, "What are you feeling?"

He said, "Nothing."

I said, "That's America."

He didn't get it.

[SNIFFLES]

So, that's kind of where I'm at right now.

Thank you for sharing, Al.

- Good job.

- Nice work.

Okay, we've got a new guy.

Everybody, please welcome Gary.

- Hi, Jerry.

- All right, Gary.

- Welcome, man.

- Let's go, Gar!

Gary, can you share a little about

what you're going through?

Oh. Uh, no, thank you.

I'm just here to watch.

No, you're not here to watch.

- You're here to participate.

- This is a safe space, bro.

- Okay, all right.

- [AL] You got this, man.

Okay, um...

Well, my wife and I

just recently got married.

And you know,

I'm having a little tiny bit of trouble

bonding with my new stepson Lucas.

And how old is he?

He's about to turn six.

Yeah, we're actually having a party

for him on Saturday.

His real birthday's next Wednesday.

Ah, that's a great age.

He's still very malleable.

And how is it with his mother?

Oh, uh, it's going great there.

I mean, she's just amazing

in so many ways.

[COUGHS] Blowj*bs.

[LAUGHING]

But the fact that you don't get along

with her son

is putting a strain on the marriage?

No. Not really.

It will.

The mom's always gonna side with the son.

Can you tell us a little more about Lucas?

Well, um...

He never really looks me in the eye.

Doesn't talk much,

uh, except when he tells his teachers

to go to hell

or yells at me to get out

of his room using this, uh...

weird little goat puppet thing.

And I-I just...

I get this sense that he's...

That he's evil incarnate?

Yeah.

Well, you're lucky, man.

I got girls. Twins.

And they wake up every morning

literally plotting ways to torture me.

This morning, they replaced my toothpaste

with my wife's Vagisil.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Vagisil. That ain't sh*t.

Yesterday, my stepson asked me

when I was gonna die.

I told him,

"Listen, I don't know that. I...

That's up to God."

He said, "Well, when God does take you,

can I have your van?"

He's five.

- Well, at least he likes trucks.

- F*** that, dude.

- Jeremy pissed on my khakis.

- My kid's worse.

My son sh*t in my sock drawer!

- I stand corrected.

- It's the top drawer.

So, he blamed it on the cat,

but I know it wasn't the cat

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