Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #2

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Can't you see what that witch

has done to our lives?

Relied on that money for my holiday.

Our holiday, I mean.

- How much have you got?

- Um...

Uh, well...

Tricky, because

I've sort of been sacked.

- You hit another girl?

- It was a boy.

I don't want to talk about it.

So what we're essentially saying is that

neither of us can afford to go anywhere.

- Pretty much.

- Brilliant.

Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.

- I've finally done it!

- Done what?

Get the "champers" on ice.

I'm all yours, honey.

- Oh, bloody hell.

- I've left him for good this time,

- so you and me can have fun.

- [Zipper unzips]

- [Giggles]

- You've done what?

Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!

Who the hell are you?

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm his girlfriend.

- Really? I'm his wife.

- [Gasps]

[Exhales] Right.

- Dave, get back here!

- In my defence,

- I never meant for you to find out.

- [Slapping sound]

- I got a plan.

- Does it involve girls?

- It's cheap.

- Yeah. Does it involve girls?

Let's... go... hiking.

That... is one of the most

depressingly shitty

ideas for a holiday

I've ever heard in my life, ever.

- It's a great idea.

- You're a penis!

Wherever it lands on the map,

we go there.

Leave it to the hands of fate.

- What do you say?

- No.

- It'll be brilliant.

- It will be sh*t.

Let the dart show us the way.

All right, then. F*** it.

I'm only agreeing because

I'm feeling for you right now,

and because

I'm unbelievably sh*t-faced.

Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.

I never heard of it.

How do you say it? Crag...

Cragwi... Cragwich?

It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.

Christ, you're a tit!

[Inhales, exhales] Get that?

- Country air. Nothing like it.

- [Cow mooing]

Smells like normal air

with cow sh*t in it.

Exactly. Nothing like the

pervading stench of faeces

to take your mind off your troubles.

[Birds cawing]

Have you brought anything besides beer?

You're expecting a

water bomb fight or something?

[Flies buzzing]

[Cell phone buzzing]

- Hello?

- [Judy] Jimmy, it's me.

- Judy?

- Yes! Look, Jimmy.

I've been thinking, and I realise

I've made a terrible mistake.

I want to come back, Jimmy.

I... love you.

- What?

- I love you!

- Hello?

- [Judy speaking indistinctly]

I can't hear... Hello?

- [Mouthing words]

- Judy?

I'll drive to meet you.

We can talk, the two of us.

We can work everything out.

When I get there,

you can wear my panties.

- Why'd you do that?

- We are here to hike.

But... I can't f***ing believe

you just done that!

OK, maybe I did overreact

a bit, and I'm sorry.

I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...

Jim!

[Panting] Hold up a minute.

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