Lesbian Vampire Killers


[Man narrating] Centuries ago,

during the dawn of the red moon,

our peaceful hamlet

was terrorised by a beast...

... born not of man, but spewed forth

- from the fieriest pits of Hades...

- [women grunting]

... with an evil fuelled by

a hatred of men and a love of women.

Its name:
Carmilla, the vampire queen.

No one could defeat her, save one man:

A baron away for decades

fighting in the Crusades.

Upon his return, the baron found

that Carmilla's desires

had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,

and turned her into a lover

of the vagine.


Consumed with vengeance,

the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla

and flee the village.

He unearthed the sacred

Books of Nekros,

where he discovered

the only way of slaying

this unholy harpy, once and for all,

was to forge a sacred sword,

a weapon blessed with

an ancient Babylonian hex...

...and infused with his own blood.

- [Groans]

[Man] Without fear,

he confronted Carmilla.

[Cries out]

But before the baron

could strike the fatal blow,

Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.

As you strike me down,

so you shall release evil

within me into your daughters

and your daughters' daughters,

and they shall not rest

until your bloodline's ended.

They will know your breed

by these marks above your heart.

And when the life's blood

of the last of your line

mixes with that of a virgin girl,

I shall rise again, more powerful

than you will ever imagine.

[Man] And with that,

he lopped her f***ing head off.


every woman in our village,

upon her 18th birthday,

is turned by the curse

and reborn a lesbian vampire.

Our only salvation is a prophecy

that foretells of the day

when the last descendent

of the baron's bloodline

shall return to this hamlet and vanquish

Carmilla's curse forever.

That time... has begun.

- I'm not happy, Jimmy.

- Why? What did I do wrong?

Things are different now

to how they used to be.

I just don't love you anymore.

No, I love you.

- I'm just not in love with you.

- [Neighbours crying out in passion]

- You know I'll always love you.

- You say that every time you dump me.

I don't dump you, Jimmy.

I just take time out

to re-evaluate the parameters

of our relationship.

That's what makes us so strong together.

If we're that strong together,

why are you dumping me... again?

I'm not dumping you. I just think

we're stronger together apart.

That doesn't make

grammatical sense, so...

Feel it with your heart,

and know what I'm saying is true.

- So... you are dumping me?

- No.

But, also in a sense, yes.

- [Neighbour woman] Yes!

- Sh*t.

I'm not happy, Fletch.

[Fletch] I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.

Your best just isn't good enough.

- What more do you want me to do?

- I don't know.

- This has to be the end of the line.

- What?

- What did I do wrong?

- You punched him in the face.

You know what I get like when people

mess with my sh*t. He had it coming.

He was seven.

You're a children's clown.

Old enough to know

not to go messing with my sh*t.

Fletch, you punched a child.

He was spraying me

with my own seltzer bottle.

- What was I supposed to do?

- Not hit him.

Then he shouldn't be spraying

my ball sac. It was only a tap.

- You gave him a bloody nose!

- I look like I pissed myself!

Christ, Fletch. I don't know

why you do these things.

I guess I just don't like kids.

I keep telling you,

they're a pre-requisite of the job.

I know. A slight problem.

Maybe I could just be

a clown for adults.

- You're fired.

- Do I get to keep the costume?

No. Drop your costume at the desk

on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.

- Do I get this week's money?

- Goodbye, Fletch.

- [ VV Brown:
Crying Blood]

- I'm cryin' blood

I'm cryin blood

I'm cryin' tears from my eyes

that I can't deny

And I'm fallin' like a comet

from the sky

I'm cryin blood

I'm cryin blood

I'm cryin' tears from my eyes

that I can't deny

And I'm fallin like a comet

from the broken sky

Oh, how you

Oh, how you need me


Desperately need me

Wish you could...

I've come up with a plan

for getting her back.

What, like revenge?

No, getting her back, not

"getting her back" getting her back.

Getting her back.

Number one:
Take her on holiday.

Stop there.

That's just f***ing stupid.

- The two of us, on our own...

- On your own?

Like when you went to Falaraki

and she dumped you and banged that

water ski instructor

with highlights and necklace?

She didn't dump me.

She told me she was just... confused.

Not that confused she couldn't

figure out where to put his cock.

- That's my bird you're talking about.

- No. No, it isn't. Not anymore.

Look, you need to get away

from all this sh*t.

Let us have a wacky adventure,

you and me.

I'm not gonna bum you, but I think

you could use a distraction.

Say what you like, but you cannot

deny I am incredibly distracting.

- Some might say annoying.

- And that... [sniffs]

I don't know.

Where do you suggest we go?

[Whispers] lbiza. [blows]

The sun, the sea, the sand,

clubs and fanny.

Lots and lots of fanny.

Loads and loads of fanny.

A gargantuan amount of "vajay".

All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,

and if there's a few stragglers

who fancy a go on me, then so be it.

I can't. I'm skint.

What? I thought

you had loads saved up.

Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.

Oh, my God! Why don't you just get

"total twat" tattooed on your forehead?

Can't you see what that witch

has done to our lives?

Relied on that money for my holiday.

Our holiday, I mean.

- How much have you got?

- Um...

Uh, well...

Tricky, because

I've sort of been sacked.

- You hit another girl?

- It was a boy.

I don't want to talk about it.

So what we're essentially saying is that

neither of us can afford to go anywhere.

- Pretty much.

- Brilliant.

Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.

- I've finally done it!

- Done what?

Get the "champers" on ice.

I'm all yours, honey.

- Oh, bloody hell.

- I've left him for good this time,

- so you and me can have fun.

- [Zipper unzips]

- [Giggles]

- You've done what?

Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!

Who the hell are you?

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm his girlfriend.

- Really? I'm his wife.

- [Gasps]

[Exhales] Right.

- Dave, get back here!

- In my defence,

- I never meant for you to find out.

- [Slapping sound]

- I got a plan.

- Does it involve girls?

- It's cheap.

- Yeah. Does it involve girls?

Let's... go... hiking.

That... is one of the most

depressingly shitty

ideas for a holiday

I've ever heard in my life, ever.

- It's a great idea.

- You're a penis!

Wherever it lands on the map,

we go there.

Leave it to the hands of fate.

- What do you say?

- No.

- It'll be brilliant.

- It will be sh*t.

Let the dart show us the way.

All right, then. F*** it.

I'm only agreeing because

I'm feeling for you right now,

and because

I'm unbelievably sh*t-faced.

Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.

I never heard of it.

How do you say it? Crag...

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Stewart Williams

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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