Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #6

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disappeared into the dark."

My lady goes,

"What do you get

out of lying so much?

"Like what does

that do for you?"

I said,

"Who the f*** is lying?

"Who makes up

a lie about a raccoon

come up to the window,

"going bang,

bang, grabbing his dick,

disappearing into the dark?

"Like, whose life is

that bad that they gotta

sit at home all day,

"and make some

sh*t like that up?"

She said, "Obviously you,

because you're lying, Kevin.

"You know how I

know you lying?

"'Cause a raccoon

can't go, 'Bang, bang.'

"You know why?

'Cause a raccoon

don't have no thumbs.

"So how can

a raccoon go,

'Bang, bang'?"

"B*tch, maybe he did this.

Maybe he just did

this right here.

"What difference

does it make?

"The point is that

he grabbed his dick,

disappeared into the dark.

"We got a dick-grabbing

raccoon on the loose,

"you worried about

his f***ing thumbs.

"You need to get your

priorities straight,

that's what needs to happen."

I got a lot of

animals out there, people.

Coyotes, mountain lions,

rattlesnakes.

It's at the point now

where I don't like

taking out trash.

I'm being honest with you.

The reason I don't like

taking out trash at my house

is 'cause to

take out the trash,

I gotta walk outside,

I gotta walk down

my driveway.

Trash cans are at

the end of my driveway.

My driveway is

long as sh*t, people.

Okay?

It also gets real dark

in my driveway.

Reason why it gets so dark

in my driveway at nighttime

is because I turned down

the option to get lights

going down

the side of my driveway.

Reason why

I turned down the option

is because

I thought the contractors

were trying to

take advantage of me

because they knew

that I had money.

I don't trust people

that do this when they talk.

Like that's how

you talk to me, like,

"Hey, man,

you gotta get some lights.

It gets real dark out here.

"You gotta get

some lights."

I don't need no

f***ing lights.

It's a driveway.

You drive in, you drive out.

What the f*** I

need lights for?

I was wrong, people.

I need lights.

Can't see sh*t in

this goddamn driveway.

You gotta understand,

I don't like

being in the dark,

hearing animal noises,

especially when

I can't see the animal.

It fucks with me.

When you're by yourself

and you get scared,

you do stupid sh*t.

When you hear this...

(CHITTERING)

(HISSING)

You do stupid sh*t

when you get scared.

(SCREAMS)

"You bite me,

I'll bite you back, b*tch!"

You start doing sh*t

you saw in the movies.

"What are you waiting for?"

It got to the point

where I start

grabbing the trash,

running down the driveway,

throwing the trash

in the trash can,

running back

to the house.

One day I locked

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