Kevin & Perry Go Large Page #4

- Very lovely.

- What's my chubby babe called?

- Gemma. Mine's Candice.

- Gemma's got a lovely personality.

- Candice is so interesting.

I think they love us, Kev.

DANCE MUSIC:

The evening begins.

Superstar DJs Kev P and Perr E hit the town.

Cor, yeah. Trannies! Ugh!

Wooh! Urgh!

- LOUD FOOTSTEPS

- What the bloody hell's that?

Germans!

Here, Kev, look.

Tonight Gemma is going to see what is down my trousers.

What is down my trousers? Would you like a look?

# What is the matter?

# Don't tell me that it doesn't hurt...#

- HE LAUGHS

- Gemma! Lick my lurve plank. Mmm!

Candice, suck my candy.

Oh, look - snoggers.

Eh?

Cor...

Urrgh!

SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS

Isn't this fun?

Now, what would you boys like?

- I am not hungry.

- Come on, Son.

You'll need energy if you want to go bopping.

HE GROANS:

- We'll order for everybody, shall we?

- Good idea.

Er, como el primo plato quisiera tapas. Una mezcla, por favour.

Y despues una gran paella por todo?

Una necesita se fuerte para hacer el amor, cara mia.

KEVIN RETCHES:

PERRY GROANS:

The table's a bit wobbly.

We need a wedge. Pass me that beer mat, sexy pants.

Oh, for God's sake!

Hasta banana, Mrs Patterson.

- What a couple of wankers!

- Yeah, we are, ain't we?

- No, my parents!

- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

DANCE MUSIC:

- Cool!

- Rinsin'!

Large!

BOTH:
Eyeball Paul!

Come on, Big Baz. Shift, you fat tart.

All right, Eyeball Paul!

It's the little wankers from the airport.

BOTH LAUGH:

- Are you here tonight?

- How's your mummy, Ginger Pubes?

HE LAUGHS She's a b*tch!

Don't stand there. Give him a hand.

- Thanks very much.

- Ginger Pubes!

And you, Sad Act.

Ladies.

Ladies.

Eyeball Paul?

- What do you want?

- We done some mixes of our own.

- What, you and Sad Act?

- Yeah.

I don't suppose we could play them for you some time? No? All right, then.

- So you're brother DJs?

- Yeah.

What tunes you got? What beats you into?

Well, erm...

House or garage?

House...

Acid house or pumping house?

Er... Pumping house?

Balearic pumping or commercial pumping?

Balearic pumping.

- Sash or Chicane?

- Sash!

HE LAUGHS:

Boys, these blaggers are pants!

KEVIN LAUGHS:

Yeah, I'll hear your mix. My pad tomorrow.

- Be there.

- Oooh!

F*** off!

- Thanks, Eyeball Paul.

- Thank you.

- Oh, he's such a nice bloke.

- Brilliant. We're gonna be DJs!

DANCE MUSIC:

Sorry, girls.

No monsters.

Beautiful people can pass.

But monsters - no.

Do you understand?

Look. Your faces - Urrrgh! - offend my mirror.

Go on. Go on.

- Cos I didn't want to go, anyway.

- Yeah, me, neither.

Maybe tomorrow, I'm going to have a makeover with Boots beauty products.

Yeah, and me.

Them boys can get us in cos they're mates with Eyeball Paul, innit?

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