John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #3

---

Turn it over.

[Laughter]

Wait five minutes.

Then punch it with your fist.

Here's your panini.

[Cheers and applause]

'Cause the paninis,

they're so squished

you don't know what's in them.

And there could be vegetables

in there!

[Laughter]

I bit into a panini,

and I tasted arugula.

[Gags]

[Laughter]

Where did arugula come from?

We had no arugula

when I was growing up.

My mother never said,

"John, I want you

to go out in the garden

and pick some arugula."

"I'll be right back, Mom."

[Laughter]

Tomatoes, cucumbers, arugula?

No!

That's a pretentious,

horrifying vegetable

people serve just so

they'll look fancy and elegant.

It's The Emperofs New Clothes

of vegetables.

People don't want to speak up.

Spit it out at the table!

"What are you serving me?"

[Laughter]

"It's arugula.

It works with the rest of the salad."

"Yes, it does.

The bitter with the dirt taste...

[Laughter]

...makes me grateful

for the rest of the salad

that I would ordinarily hate."

[Laughter]

[Applause]

I had a panini

with roasted eggplant in it.

Ugh.

[Laughter]

I know eggplant.

I think you know I know eggplant.

[Laughter]

There's two ways to make it.

Parmesan...

...that a member of the family

taught you how to make...

[Laughter]

[Gruff voice]

...or leave it alone.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Normal voice] I confront

people at the supermarket.

"I don't know. Excuse --

I've seen you have

that eggplant in your hand.

You got, like, your aunt Marie's

recipe or something?"

"No, I just -- I looked up

on the Internet,

and there was this little reci--"

"Put it down!

Get it out of your hand!"

[Laughter]

"Put it down!

Go get some arugula!

You've done enough damage!"

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Martha Stewart...

makes me laugh.

She gives you instructions

to make stuff.

I'm waiting for her to go,

one day...

[As Martha Stewart] "Today,

we're gonna build a pyramid...

[Laughter]

...based on the ancient pyramid

at Giza.

Okay"

[Normal voice]

She says things --

Doesn't she say, like,

start with the directions

where you go,

"Well, I ain't making this."

[Laughter]

Like, "Okay, break out

your chestnut-roasting pans."

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

"Honey!

Where's

the chestnut-roasting pan?"

[Laughter]

I'm not much of a cook.

I will admit that.

You know, I eat out, and --

it's very hard to be --

You know, you eat more calories

when you eat out.

It's a proven fact.

And --

Well, I didn't even have a toaster.

I just bought a toaster recently.

Well, I had one,

but I toasted low-carb bread,

and it exploded.

[Laughter]

Um...

So I go to buy another toaster.

I didn't want any trouble.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes