John Pinette: Still Hungry

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1

John, we got to go.

I need five more minutes.

John, come on.

I've been doing the same stuff

for 25 years, and I have a process.

It's time. Enough with the process.

We have to go.

[Knock on door]

Oh, finally.

Get out of my way.

- Pizza.

- Thank you very much. Here.

- Keep the change.

- Oh, thanks.

Good man.

Ah. Good.

Get out of my way, Hoffman.

John,

why are you so nervous?

I'm not nervous.

I'm still hungry.

[Rock music plays]

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen,

John Pinette!

[Cheers and applause]

Hello, Chicago!

[Rock music,

cheers and applause continue]

Hi, everybody!

Have a seat!

Thank you.

Wow.

[Music stops]

Oh.

I'm I'm not under

enough pressure!

Now I better not suck!

You've been so kind.

It is a pleasure to be here.

Some of you are asking,

"I wonder how much of this show

will be about food."

[Laughter]

[Scattered cheers]

Quite a bit.

[Laughter]

If you're here for WikiLeaks jokes,

you got the wrong guy.

[Laughter]

I don't know.

You know, I've been actually

trying to lose weight,

'cause the shows on TV

have been scaring me.

They have shows

where they take big people

and they throw them in vans.

[Laughter]

And they put 'em in camps!

[Laughter]

Didn't that happen before in history?

[Laughter]

Have the Nazis come back?

We have nutrition Nazis.

[imitates German accent]

So, I see you have

a little Chicago hot dog

on your face.

Get in ze van!

[Laughter]

You are a porker!

[Normal voice]

Somebody in Chicago

sent me up a picture, undoctored,

of a Weight Watchers

next to a Cold Stone Creamery.

I love that picture

because it's everywhere I am in life.

With the ups and downs

of my dieting --

I mean, like, leaving Cold Stone

feeling guilty.

"Well, I guess it's time to go

back to Weight Watchers now."

[Laughter]

Or I'm leaving

Weight Watchers going,

"I can't take it anymore!"

[Laughter]

Weight Watchers

is a great organization,

but they won't let you

buy more points.

[Laughter]

I'm going on a cruise!

I am now part of a rogue

splinter organization

where you can buy

and sell points

in the secondary market

as needed.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

"I'm going to --

I'm going to Las Vegas.

Here is my credit card."

[Laughter]

But then you try --

you're dieting and you turn on the TV,

and there's all shows about food.

They have shows

about just one kind of food.

They have three shows on

about cake.

[Laughter]

They have a show

called "The Cake Boss."

This man is the boss of cake!

[Laughter]

You are the boss of cake?

I did not know you could

arbitrarily make yourself

the boss of a food.

I am now the boss of ham.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

[imitates southern accent]

My name is Boss Hogg.

Pleased to meet 'ya.

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

I don't think

you can just make yourself boss.

I think there has to be

a decision made.

I think the commission

has to meet.

There has to be a sit-down.

[Laughter]

[As Don Corleone]

So, what I've decided...

[Laughter]

[Laughter intensifies]

[Cheers and applause]

Don Buddy will be in charge

of cake from West Hoboken...

[Laughter]

...To West Orange.

How did it ever come to this?

My son, Santino...

...covered in frosting.

[Laughter]

I don't want his mother

to see him like this.

Look what they did to my boy.

[Laughter]

I never wanted this for you,

Michael.

I knew Santino

would have to make cake,

and Fredo, well, he's a cream puff.

[Laughter]

But I always thought you would

go into other pastries,

maybe even pastas.

Who knows?

Different types of meats and fishes.

Eh.

[Laughter]

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