Joe Dirt Page #3

I'm afraid so.

You see the peanut? Dead giveaway.

Yeah, that's a space peanut.

I'm afraid not.

This is a big old frozen

chunk of poopie.

Dude, you were eating off it.

Oh, God.

Okay. That's too much, too much.

Then what happened?

Well, then I got a dog.

You're saying you'd rather have a dog

than a frozen hunk of crap.

It wasn't really my dog.

It was this girl's dog.

I was living in the woods outside of

that postcard town I said. Silvertown.

I'd come in to steal stuff,

you know, food, whatever.

And then one winter...

Are you okay, boy?

Oh, no, are your nuts

frozen to the porch?

Oh, that sucks.

Don't pull on them.

- Who are you?

- It's okay.

I was just walking by.

Your dog's in a little trouble.

- What's wrong?

- I think his...

You know how when you get your

tongue frozen in a freezer...

...because it's all wet?

I think he got-

- Nuts frozen to the porch?

- Yes, exactly.

Oh, baby. Well, what do we do?

We got to do something...

Do you have something inside?

Don't pull on them.

It's okay. Don't move,

it'll stretch them more. That's bad.

No. That's wrong.

No, that's way wrong.

Do you got like warm water and...

- A fork!

- Yeah. No. What?

A spatula thing. The flat one.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Just give her a second. Dang.

I got it. Now what?

Now here's what we do. I just pour a

little water on here. You hold him.

Easy.

Ain't no flapjack, I'd go easy.

Should loosen it up a little bit...

I don't want to look. I'm sorry.

One, two, three, go.

There. Hey, buddy, you're free!

- Good boy!

- Good job.

You might want to spray this porch

with Pam, so it don't happen again.

What's his name?

Charlie.

And mine's Brandy.

Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

Get your ass in the kitchen. Fire up

that stove, you got some cooking to do.

Daddy? Can we have my new friend

Joe, over for supper?

Are you nuts, girl? We ain't running

no soup kitchen here, boy.

Scat! Get out of here!

Long-haired hippie freak.

He's mean.

I'll be your friend.

For some reason,

and I have no idea why...

...Brandy always wanted

to hang out with me.

I had Charlie, so that was cool.

For the next couple years, the three

of us was hanging out at the farm.

That was the closest thing

I ever had to a home.

Till one day...

- Oh, Dirt, did I get you?

- No, I'm cool.

No, you're not. Where's Brandy?

She's riding her horse.

She'll be back in a minute.

You guys want to play bumper pool?

No.

How does she put up with you, Dirt?

That's a good question.

She's great though, ain't she?

You know, sometimes it's like...

...she likes me or something.

Dream on, Dirt-boy.

A girl like that's out of your league.

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