Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #3

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and a friend called me on it recently.

He came to see the gig and he Went,

"You talk about sex all the time.

Are you obsessed?"

I said, "Well, I'm not obsessed." But sex

is the great universal topic for comedy.

It's still quite taboo to talk about it

openly in public.

Everyone's interested,

everyone cranes forward

and there's a lot of tension around sex,

and Where you find that kind of tension,

that's also a great place

to find laughter,

so sex is a great topic for comedy.

But it's difficult to stand

in front of you good people

and talk about sex Without sounding crude.

So, to try and mitigate that,

to try and alleviate that, this evening,

if I refer to a vagina at any point,

I'll be calling it a twinkle cave.

(LAUGHTER)

As in, "So there I was,

licking out her twinkle cave..."

(LAUGHTER)

"...while she deep-throated

my tummy banana."

(LAUGHTER)

It's nice to be nice, isn't it?

I saw a woman wearing a top,

it said "Super-dry" on the front...

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "Have you thought

about lubricants or HRT?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Maybe a little bit of Aussie charm?"

Are you familiar with the term

"Aussie charm"? It just means... (SPITS)

...one of those.

(LAUGHTER)

Australian charm - you're welcome.

A very pleasing look from the ladies

of London, as if to say,

"Well, I didn't know that had a name

but, yes, that does happen."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

My girlfriend bought a T-shirt for 80.

That's a ridiculous amount to spend

on a T-shirt, am I right?

It said D&G on the front.

I suppose, fair enough,

one of her tits is bigger than the other.

(LAUGHTER)

(HIGH-PITCHED HONK)

(LOW-PITCHED HONK)

(LAUGHTER)

I thought my girlfriend was a slag when

she told me I was her thirty-second lover.

And then I realised

she was talking about time.

(LAUGHTER)

There is a minimum comprehension level-

you may be asked to leave.

I'm sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

My ideal woman would be a single mum...

once I'd finished with her.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANS)

It's a joke! I'd pay for the abortion!

(LAUGHTER)

Ah, got you again! I f***ing wouldn't.

(LAUGHTER)

Let's talk about something

a little bit more serious.

It can't all be slapstick abortion stuff.

Um...

(LAUGHTER)

My first Wife was from Thailand.

(MAN CHEERS)

Well, don't, cos you'll feel bad.

It's actually quite a sad story.

My first Wife was from Thailand

and she died...

of testicular cancer.

(LAUGHTER)

Probably the best way I could describe it

is her twinkle cave was an outie.

(LAUGHTER)

I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt.

I thought, "That shows a lot of balls."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) Let's hear from all

the heterosexual men in the room.

Give us a shout, all the heterosexual men.

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