Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking

Synopsis: Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking is packed with one-liners, stories, and jokes: some clever, some rude, and a few totally unacceptable.
Director(s): Brian Klein
Actors: Jimmy Carr
 
IMDB:
7.9
NOT RATED
Year:
2013
91 min
124 Views

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Jimmy Carr!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thanks very much.

Good.

Good.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CONTINUES)

That's...

...far too kind.

Well, let's crack on, shall we?

Good evening. Are you Well?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes!

- Fantastic.

I've been described

as the hardest-working man in comedy.

Not that impressive, is it?

The hardest-working man in comedy.

That's like being the best-looking guy

in the burns unit.

(LAUGHTER)

No offence to any burns victims

We've got in.

Are there any in'?

If there's one, there'll be f*cking loads.

They tend to stick together.

(LAUGHTER)

And We're off!

(LAUGHTER)

Someone came up to me outside and went,

"I thought you'd be younger."

I said ."I was"

(LAUGHTER)

I'm 40 years of age,

but girls still check me out.

I wouldn't mind but they're so bloody

obvious about it, pointing and Whispering.

(WHISPERS) "Stranger danger."

(LAUGHTER)

Every night after the show,

I have attractive Women

banging on my dressing room door.

And, sometimes, I let 'em out.

(LAUGHTER)

Are there any comedy groupies

in here this evening?

Any gag hags? Any chuckle f*ckers?

The only reason I ask is

if any girls come up to me after the show,

looking for sex,

I'm going to have to disappoint you.

I mean, we can have sex...

(LAUGHTER)

...just it will be quite disappointing.

I wouldn't lie to you, it would be like

throwing a sausage up an alleyway.

(LAUGHTER)

More information

than some of you wanted. OK.

I'm a stand-up comedian, a TV host,

an actor and a writer.

People ask me, "What's your secret?"

I'm the M4 rapist. Ssh!

It's a joke!

I have never been wrongly accused of rape.

(LAUGHTER)

We all like a laugh, yes?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes!

- That's the one thing

we've all got in common in this room -

we all like a laugh.

It's a very British thing, I think,

to come out, of an evening,

with the express intention

of just having a laugh.

Here's a great fact about this country -

the average person in Great Britain

laughs out loud ten times a day.

Not everyone, obviously.

If you work in a hospice

or with learning-disabled adults,

it could be ten times that.

(LAUGHTER)

The sky's the limit!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, that's my laugh, which is...

Someone said my laugh was Weird.

My laugh isn't Weird, it's wrong.

Cos you're meant to laugh

on an out breath, aren't you?

You're meant to laugh on a "Ha-ha!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

I laugh on an in breath,

so it's, "Ah-ah! Ah-ah!"

(LAUGHTER)

Sounds like a goose being interfered With!

(LAUGHTER)

Someone asked me the other day,

"Is it fake?"

Why would you fake that?!

(LAUGHTER)

"Ah-ah! Ah-ah!"

They say that laughter

is the best medicine,

so maybe, just maybe,

if we all keep laughing

at people in wheelchairs...

(LAUGHTER)

I'm a dreamer, what can I tell you?

I was at a show recently...

I don't know

if anyones had this experience.

I was at a show, watching a band, and...

Standing just under the fire escape,

watching a band play,

pint on with a mate, relaxing,

and a lady from the venue

came up to us -

in the little waistcoat

and the little name badge -

came up and Went,

"Excuse me, you're going to have to move.

"Because, if there's a fire,

you're blocking the exit."

I said, "I tell you what, love.

If there's a fire, I'll move."

(LAUGHTER)

'King retard.

(LAUGHTER)

What did she think I was going to do

in the event of a fire?

Just stand there, going, "Nobody move!

"Why has everything gone orangey and

hot? I don't like it!"

Oh, mobile phones off. I should have

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Jimmy Carr

James Anthony Patrick Carr (born 15 September 1972) is a British stand-up comedian, presenter, writer, and actor who holds both British and Irish citizenship. He is known for his deadpan delivery, dark humour, and heckler interaction. Carr moved to a career in comedy in 2000.After becoming established as a stand-up comedian, Carr began to appear in a number of Channel 4 television shows, becoming the host of the panel show 8 Out of 10 Cats and also The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, a comedy panel show that airs each December to review the past year. more…

All Jimmy Carr scripts | Jimmy Carr Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Translation

Translate and read this script in other languages:

Select another language:

  • - Select -
  • Chinese - Simplified 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
  • Chinese - Traditional 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
  • Spanish Español (Spanish)
  • Esperanto Esperanto (Esperanto)
  • Japanese 日本語 (Japanese)
  • Portuguese Português (Portuguese)
  • German Deutsch (German)
  • Arabic العربية (Arabic)
  • French Français (French)
  • Russian Русский (Russian)
  • Kannada ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
  • Korean 한국어 (Korean)
  • Hebrew עברית (Hebrew)
  • Ukrainian Український (Ukrainian)
  • Urdu اردو (Urdu)
  • Hungarian Magyar (Hungarian)
  • Hindi मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
  • Indonesian Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Italian Italiano (Italian)
  • Tamil தமிழ் (Tamil)
  • Turkish Türkçe (Turkish)
  • Telugu తెలుగు (Telugu)
  • Thai ภาษาไทย (Thai)
  • Vietnamese Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
  • Czech Čeština (Czech)
  • Polish Polski (Polish)
  • Indonesian Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Romanian Românește (Romanian)
  • Dutch Nederlands (Dutch)
  • Greek Ελληνικά (Greek)
  • Latin Latinum (Latin)
  • Swedish Svenska (Swedish)
  • Danish Dansk (Danish)
  • Finnish Suomi (Finnish)
  • Persian فارسی (Persian)
  • Yiddish ייִדיש (Yiddish)
  • Armenian հայերեն (Armenian)
  • Norwegian Norsk (Norwegian)
  • English English (English)

Discuss this Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking script with the community:

Citation

Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

Style:MLAChicagoAPA

"Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 24 Aug. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jimmy_carr_-_laughing_and_joking_11300>.

We need you!

Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

The Marketplace:

Sell your Script !

Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!


The Studio:

ScreenWriting Tool

Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.


Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.