Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #3

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if you don't get it right.

I was doing a gig

in the north of England

and this guy came up to me after

the show, quite aggressive. Yeah.

He said...

(Manchester accent) "All right, our kid?

"I don't think you've got

any f***ing respect for this town.

"Try and do the voice,

we don't even f***ing talk like tha'.

"Knobhead."

I said "No, you've got me all wrong,

I love Newcastle."

I've got a friend

that got into an argument

with a barmaid from Sunderland.

Long story short, he ended up calling her

a fat, ugly Geordie c*nt.

And she said,

(Newcastle accent)

"I'm no a Geordie."

(Accent wavers) "I'm no a Geordie."

Sorry, that's a terrible accent.

But it is how they talk.

I'm always impressed...

I came up on the train.

Anyone that can get on a train...

Maybe some of you can do this.

Can any of you get on a train

and not have to ask, is it the right train?

I'm unable to do that.

Whenever I get on a train,

I've always got to find someone

who looks like a grown-up, to me,

and go, "Is this the right one?

Is this the one for Glasgow?"

We all know the answer,

cos we've all been asked by a tit like me,

the answer is always,

"Hope so."

"Hope so."

I've started doing it on planes.

I went on holiday recently,

and they told me on holiday, yeah,

in the hotel,

that they had special stuff

in the swimming pool

that turns the water purple

if you pee in the pool.

So I didn't pee in the pool.

I didn't realise they had stuff for sh*t.

But they clearly did, cos they were

onto me almost immediately.

I told them it was a brown shark.

They were having none of it.

I met a fat vegetarian.

I thought, "Well done."

"All that on salad, you go, girl."

Whatever I'm cooking, I always make sure

there are vegetarian options.

They can make do

or they can f*** off.

(Cheering and whooping)

Women have a go at men

for overreacting to man flu,

but I think AIDS is pretty serious.

Near where I live in North London,

there's Hampstead Heath.

I don't know if you've heard

of Hampstead Heath,

but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath,

this parkland,

that are notorious for gay cruising.

This is where gay guys go

in North London

to hook up with other gay guys

of an evening,

the toilets on Hampstead Heath.

Now I live near there,

here's my question -

what happens if you just want a piss?

You're buggered.

Yeah, you can laugh -

I found out the hard way.

"The hard way" is not the phrase

to use there, is it?

I've got lots of gay friends.

I'm sure there are loads of gay men in,

a few certainly dotted around.

Are there gay men in?

(Silence, then laughter)

Keeping it quiet in Glasgow.

I've got loads of gay friends, I'm sure there

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