
Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2010
- 113 min
- 103 Views
(Black Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling)
I got a feeling
Whoo-hoo
That tonight's gonna be a good night
- Good night. Good night.
- Hey, Jimmy!
That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night
Hi!
- Whoo-hoo
- (Cheering and whistling)
(Cheering)
(Audience counts down)
(Cheering and whistling)
(Jimmy) Cor. Good.
Well, you seem more excited than me,
and I've seen the fucking show.
Good manners are disappearing.
When I was a lad
it was considered polite
to tap a lady on the head
before ejaculating.
I know.
You know why kids wear their trousers
slung low with no belt?
It's cos they're dicks.
True story.
came pretty close,
killed the guy standing next to me.
It's all right, it was a Goth,
it's what he would have wanted.
Whenever my girlfriend says,
"Fucking men!"
I always think,
"Yeah, that is the alternative."
- (Man calls out)
- What? What, sorry?
- Tosser!
- (Jimmy) Tosser?
Right.
Just a rand... Just "tosser"?
You know you're in fucking Glasgow,
don't you,
where someone pays you 22.50
to tell you to f*ck off.
Fair enough, fill your boots.
On average,
in the Northern hemisphere,
January is the coldest month
of the year.
But if you were in Australia,
you'd be surrounded by cunts.
Any Australians in?
(Woman) Yeah!
Welcome back.
I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing.
The weigh-in.
The fight would happen then and there.
Per square inch of head,
people with red hair have 750 fewer friends
than normal people.
A lot, isn't it?
(People yell) Yes!
Ugh.
I think I'm all right if I look away.
My partner recently lost 11 stone.
Well, I say that. I left her.
Fat cow.
A lot of people
like to smoke cigarettes after sex,
but you can't buy cigarettes
until you're 16,
so I have to get them for both of us.
(Applause)
You think its wrong I'm buying
a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?
You think it's wrong I'm fucking her?
I'm kidding.
Kidding does sound like a verb
for child abuse, doesn't it?
I'm kidding.
Are you joking or touching kids?
Women say they want their ideal man
to be the outdoors type,
the kind of man that enjoys
long walks in the countryside.
Women say they want their ideal man
to be the kind of man that'll take control,
the kind of man
that's not afraid to take a few risks.
Basically what you're saying, ladies,
is your ideal man is a rapist.
And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got
pretty much your pick of women.
It's funny cos it's true.
Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes,
Glasgow, not f*ck about too much.
I'll pause for breath and say hello,
how are you, Glasgow, are you well?
(Audience cheering)
Like an angry mob.
I thought we'd kick off properly.
We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo
in Glasgow. Bloody marvellous.
I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?
Cos everyone's dressed up,
it's a Saturday night,
let's have a round of applause
for the ladies.
Let's have a round... Yeah. Let's have
a round of applause for the ladies.
Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. Yeah.
That's... Actually that's...
that's probably enough.
Looking round,
some of them have made no effort.
(Man) You've no made an effort,
have ye?
(Scottish accent)
You've not made an effort, have ya?
(Jimmy laughs)
Look at you.
Sorry, your comment there is that
I haven't made much of an effort?
Well, there's some cameras
and some fucking lights,
I don't know what you had in mind.
It's not like I come to your work
and knock the sailors' cocks
out of your mouth, is it?
(Applause)
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"Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 6 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jimmy_carr:_making_people_laugh_11303>.