Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh

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(Black Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling)

I got a feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's gonna be a good night

- Good night. Good night.

- Hey, Jimmy!

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

Hi!

- Whoo-hoo

- (Cheering and whistling)

(Cheering)

(Audience counts down)

(Cheering and whistling)

(Jimmy) Cor. Good.

Well, you seem more excited than me,

and I've seen the f***ing show.

Good manners are disappearing.

When I was a lad

it was considered polite

to tap a lady on the head

before ejaculating.

I know.

You know why kids wear their trousers

slung low with no belt?

It's cos they're d*cks.

True story.

I attempted suicide once,

came pretty close,

killed the guy standing next to me.

It's all right, it was a Goth,

it's what he would have wanted.

Whenever my girlfriend says,

"F***ing men!"

I always think,

"Yeah, that is the alternative."

- (Man calls out)

- What? What, sorry?

- Tosser!

- (Jimmy) Tosser?

Right.

Just a rand... Just "tosser"?

You know you're in f***ing Glasgow,

don't you,

where someone pays you 22.50

to tell you to f*** off.

Fair enough, fill your boots.

On average,

in the Northern hemisphere,

January is the coldest month

of the year.

But if you were in Australia,

you'd be surrounded by c*nts.

Any Australians in?

(Woman) Yeah!

Welcome back.

I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing.

The weigh-in.

The fight would happen then and there.

Per square inch of head,

people with red hair have 750 fewer friends

than normal people.

A lot, isn't it?

Are there any redheads in?

(People yell) Yes!

Ugh.

I think I'm all right if I look away.

My partner recently lost 11 stone.

Well, I say that. I left her.

Fat cow.

A lot of people

like to smoke cigarettes after sex,

but you can't buy cigarettes

until you're 16,

so I have to get them for both of us.

(Applause)

You think its wrong I'm buying

a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?

You think it's wrong I'm f***ing her?

I'm kidding.

Kidding does sound like a verb

for child abuse, doesn't it?

I'm kidding.

Are you joking or touching kids?

Women say they want their ideal man

to be the outdoors type,

the kind of man that enjoys

long walks in the countryside.

Women say they want their ideal man

to be the kind of man that'll take control,

the kind of man

that's not afraid to take a few risks.

Basically what you're saying, ladies,

is your ideal man is a rapist.

And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got

pretty much your pick of women.

It's funny cos it's true.

Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes,

Glasgow, not f*** about too much.

I'll pause for breath and say hello,

how are you, Glasgow, are you well?

(Audience cheering)

Like an angry mob.

I thought we'd kick off properly.

We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo

in Glasgow. Bloody marvellous.

I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?

Cos everyone's dressed up,

it's a Saturday night,

let's have a round of applause

for the ladies.

Let's have a round... Yeah. Let's have

a round of applause for the ladies.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. Yeah.

That's... Actually that's...

that's probably enough.

Looking round,

some of them have made no effort.

(Man) You've no made an effort,

have ye?

(Scottish accent)

You've not made an effort, have ya?

(Jimmy laughs)

Oh, bless him. Mongo no like.

Look at you.

Sorry, your comment there is that

I haven't made much of an effort?

Well, there's some cameras

and some f***ing lights,

I don't know what you had in mind.

It's not like I come to your work

and knock the sailors' c*cks

out of your mouth, is it?

(Applause)

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