Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #5

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and they die in infancy,

then they don't get into Heaven.

Because God's a good guy...

but he does have some rules.

And if he lets one dead baby

into Heaven,

then he has to let

all the dead babies into Heaven.

And before you know it,

Heaven's just filled

with f***ing dead babies.

So I'm on stage

kicking dead babies around,

as you do at work.

And this woman in the fourth row,

very attractive, but she's in hysterics.

She's crying, her eyes are bawling,

and she just stands up and goes...

"You f***ing bastard!

You bastard!"

And then she just leaves the room

just in hysterics.

I'm still f***ing mid-kick, like...

And then her husband stands up...

and he picks up her handbag,

and he holds the handbag

like all men hold handbags.

Two hands in front of the chest.

"I'm holding this for someone else, so..."

Anyways, he picks up the handbag,

he holds it,

we can still hear her screaming.

She went out the door, she's screaming.

The staff are trying to calm her down.

She's screaming,

and the husband stands up, and he goes...

"I'm sorry, Jim.

I'm sorry, everyone.

We were expecting our first child

and she miscarriaged at seven months.

That was six weeks ago

and the baby was due this week.

So we decided to leave the house

for the first time

and forget about our problems..."

"And to try to have a laugh."

"Anyway, Jim, the first half of the show

was really great."

And then he just leaves awkwardly,

like, "Excuse me. Sorry."

We can still hear her screaming.

Men and women in the room

are crying their eyes out,

which isn't good for comedy, and...

and I'm trying to bullshit

my way out of it.

I'm on stage going, "Hey...

that joke was more about

the hypocrisy of religion

rather than dead babies, per se."

Uh...

And as I'm doing that, in the second row

a Geordie fellow from Newcastle, England,

he stands up in the second row,

and he points at me,

really angry like this, and he goes...

"To be fair...

she's f***ing hot."

And this sentence fell out

of my mouth so fast,

I couldn't put the words back in.

I went, "Ah, well,

they get to keep their figure

when they don't carry them full-term."

I'm not proud of this.

I'm just reporting it.

As soon as I said it,

bottles just started getting thrown at me.

Just f***ing... Whoof!

I'm like, f***ing fromThe Matrix, like...

And I was just like, "Good night!"

That was many years ago.

If you're watching this special at home,

I hope you had a kid since then.

Um...

What am I gonna do?

Her miscarriage brought so much joy

to other people.

Uh...

I dislike deaf people.

Actually, I need to rephrase that.

I don't dislike deaf people.

I hate sign language people.

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